Batman (1989)
The Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
Grissom: That you, sugar bumps?
[turns around to see a man]
Grissom: Who the hell are you?
Joker: It's me, Sugar bumps.
Grissom: Jack? Oh, oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been...
Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A *woman*! You must be insane.
[Grissom goes for his gun]
Joker: Don't bother.
Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy.
Grissom: Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
Joker: Jack? Jack is dead, my friend.
[steps into the light]
Joker: You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier.
[laughs, and then proceeds to kill Grissom]
The Joker: [talking to a gargoyle] What are you laughin' at?
The Joker: I've recently had a tragedy in my life. Alicia...
[lays the mask that Alicia wore on the table]
The Joker: ...threw herself out of the window.
Vicki Vale: Oh, my God.
The Joker: But, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
[breaks the mask and starts giggling]
The Joker: I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.
Joker: Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!
Vicki Vale: You're insane!
Joker: I thought I was a Pisces!
The Joker: Where does he get those wonderful toys?
The Joker: [reciting his poem to Vicki] I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.
The Joker: Bruce... Wayne, n'est-ce pas?
Bruce Wayne: Most of the time.
The Joker: The pen, is truly mightier than the sword!
Batman: I'm going to kill you!
The Joker: You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.
Batman: I know you did.
[punches him again]
The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Bruce Wayne: What?
The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just... like the sound of it.
[shoots him]
The Joker: Never rub another man's rhubarb.
The Joker: Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face.
[Joker gives someone a hand and electrocutes him]
Joker: Oh, I got a live one here!
[the Joker sees a picture of Vicki Vale]
Joker: Stop the press, who is that?
The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.
Batman: You killed my parents.
The Joker: What? What? What are you talking about?
Batman: I made you, you made me first.
The Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?
The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
Vicki Vale: What do you want?
The Joker: My face on the one dollar bill.
Vicki Vale: You must be joking.
The Joker: Do I look like I'm joking?
The Joker: New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex.
The Joker: My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.
[Bob hands him a gun, Joker shoots him]
The Joker: I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys.
The Joker: Joker here.
TV Technician: We got interference. Call the OB unit, will ya?
The Joker: Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which *were* true under that fiend, Boss Grissom. He *was* a thief, and a terrorist. On the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a *killer*. I am an artist. I *love* a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival!
[the Batwing is flying at Joker]
The Joker: Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch! Come to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Come on!
The Joker: Darling, I've got to get you to the church on time.
The Joker: [fuming] Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!
[Joker reads the newspaper]
The Joker: "Winged freak terrorizes"? Wait till they get a load of me!
The Joker: Who is that loss?
Bob the Goon: It's Knox.
The Joker: Bad tie.
Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.
Ricorso: Why don't we hear this from Grissom?
Rotelli: Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin?
Joker: Life's been good to me.
Rotelli: What if we say no?
Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands and that'll be it.
Rotelli: Yeah?
[shakes hands with the Joker and begins to get electrocuted]
Joker: Yeah.
Rotelli: [Shakes hands with The Joker and starts to get electrocuted]
Joker: Whoo! Whoo! Oh, I got a live one here.
[starts to laugh hysterically]
Joker: [singing] Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.
Joker: Antoine got a little hot under the collar.
Ricorso: You're crazy.
Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
[He begins to laugh again and mops sweat from his brow, exposing a patch of chalk-white flesh]
Joker: I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.
Joker: At midnight, I will dump twenty million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me, I've got enough.
The Mayor: We are not prepared to discuss any deals.
Joker: [pushes the Mayor off the TV] You heard it folks. Twenty million.
Joker: As though we were made for each other... Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.
The Joker: It can be truly said, that I have a bat in my belfry.
[laughs]
The Joker: Shall we dance?
The Joker: Sometimes I just kill myself!
Rotelli: What's with that stupid grin?
The Joker: Life's been good to me.
Bruce Wayne: Let me tell you about this guy I know. Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
[after revealling his latest "work", Alicia]
The Joker: Well, I'm no Picasso, but do you like it?
Joker: Antoine got a little hot under the collar.
The Joker: It's time to retire! Feel free to drop in.
[reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]
The Joker: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?
[Batman punches him]
The Joker: We've got a flying mouse to kill, and I wanna clean my claws.
The Joker: They don't make 'em like they used to! Do they, eh? Eh, Batsy?
[upon entering the museum]
Joker: Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lawrence?
[Alicia sees Jack as the Joker for the first time]
Joker: Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today.
[Alicia faints]
Joker: Huh.
[chuckles]
[to Rotelli's charred and smoldering corpse]
Joker: Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.
[shakes head]
Joker: No?
[looks surprised]
Joker: Grease 'em now? Well, OK. You are a vicious bastard Rotelli, and, uh, I'm glad you're dead!
Joker: Bob, I want you to go down to the globe. Follow that reporter Knox. Take your camera. See what he knows about this Batman. And Bob...
[imitates Grisson]
Joker: Remember... you... are my number one... guy!
Joker: Have you shipped a million of those things?
Scientist at Axis Chemicals: Yes sir!
Joker: Ship 'em ALL! We're gonna take 'em out a WHOLE NEW DOOR!
The Joker: I'm of a mind to make some mookie.
Vicki Vale: What can I do for you?
The Joker: Oh, little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance.
The Joker: [examining Vicki's work] Crap... crap... crap... crap...
[sees pictures of war victims]
The Joker: Ah! Now that's good work! The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but I like it!
The Joker: Gotham City Cathedral, transportation for two.
Helicopter Goon: Right away, sir?
The Joker: Five minutes.
Helicopter Goon: Five minutes.
[Joker raises his head to look at the top of the Cathedral]
The Joker: Better make it ten.
The Joker: [Talking to Bob] You
[heavy breathing]
The Joker: are my number one
[heavy breathing]
The Joker: guy.
Vicki Vale: You're insane!
Joker: I thought I was a Pisces.
The Joker: Into the air, Junior Birdman! Missed me!
Alicia: [Bob brings Alicia in] Jack, you said I could watch you improve the paintings.
The Joker: Well I'm in trouble now.
Bruce Wayne: I know who you are. Let me tell you about this guy I know, Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
[laughs]
Bruce Wayne: Now you know the problem was... he got sloppy. You know? Crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess.
[Walks towards the fireplace]
Bruce Wayne: Couldn't keep it straight up here.
[Points to his head]
Bruce Wayne: He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was 2 feet from him.
The Joker: Hmm.
[Smiles and nods his head]
Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?
The Joker: [Shakes his head]
Bruce Wayne: Well... he made mistakes. Then he had his
[grabs a poker and smashes a vase]
Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.
Joker: [shows up unexpectedly at Vicki's place] Miss me? Nice place you've got here. Lots of space. Uh, Vicki, we've really got to have a talk. I'm very upset. We were having dinner. I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman. And without so much as an apology, you ran off with that sideshow phony.
Joker: [sees Bruce Wayne enter the room] Well, Miss Vale, another rooster in the henhouse.
The Joker: [after shooting Bruce Wayne] Why is it everytime I come for you somebody always gets in the way?
The Dark Knight (2008)
Gotham National Bank Manager: Think you're pretty smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
[Bozo leans down and sticks a gas grenade in the manager's mouth]
Bozo: I believe whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...
[takes off his mask, revealing the Joker]
The Joker: ...stranger.
[stumbles out of wrecked truck]
The Joker: [to Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*
The Joker: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent?
[nobody responds; The Joker walks around the room pointing with his shotgun at everyone]
The Joker: You know where Harvey is? You know who he is?
[grabs a man's face]
The Joker: You know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little.
[turns the man's face away]
The Joker: No...
[Lau announces that he's removed all the mob's cash from their banks before the police raid, and stashed them in a secure location]
Lau: For obvious reasons, I couldn't wait for your permission. Rest assured, your money is safe.
[From outside comes the sound of loud, fake laughter. The mob bosses turn and see the Joker enter]
The Joker: And I thought my jokes were bad.
The Joker: You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.
Gentleman at Party: We're not intimidated by thugs!
The Joker: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.
[the Joker pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]
The Joker: I hated my father!
Rachel Dawes: [off-screen] Okay, stop!
[turns to face Rachel, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Rachel, adjusting his hair with the knife]
The Joker: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey's squeeze. And you *are* beautiful.
[he walks around her]
The Joker: Oh, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got 'em?
[He grabs Rachel's head and positions the knife by her mouth]
The Joker: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again. I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... I stick a razor in my mouth and do this...
[the Joker mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]
The Joker: ...to myself. And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling!
[Rachel knees the Joker in the groin; he merely laughs it off]
The Joker: A little fight in you. I like that.
Batman: [off-screen] Then you're gonna love me.
[attacks him]
The Joker: It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, do you know how I got these scars?
Batman: No! But I know how you got these!
[fires gauntlet blades into Joker's face]
[bumps along while driving hijacked truck]
The Joker: I like this job - I like it!
The Joker: And... here... we... go!
The Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.
The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.
The Joker: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent, and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.
Batman: What did you do?
The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!
[the Joker laughs hysterically as Batman races off and the cops come to take the Joker into custody]
The Joker: [to Det. Stephens] Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?
The Joker: We really should stop this fighting, otherwise we'll miss the fireworks!
Batman: There won't *be* any fireworks!
The Joker: And here... we... go!
[Silence. Nothing happens. Confused, Joker turns to look at the clock, which shows that it's past midnight and neither ferry has blown the other up]
Batman: [triumphantly] What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!
The Joker: [sighs] Can't rely on anyone these days, you have to do everything yourself, don't we!
The Chechen: Joker-man, what you do with all your money?
The Joker: You see, I'm a guy of simple taste. I enjoy dynamite, and gunpowder, and gasoline!
[he pours gasoline on the mountain of cash]
The Chechen: [panicked] What the...?
The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. And you know the thing they have in common? They're cheap.
[repeated line]
The Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars?
The Joker: I want... my phone call. I want it. I want it! I want my phone call!
Detective Stephens: That's nice.
The Joker: How many of your friends have I killed?
Detective Stephens: I'm a twenty-year man. I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners, and the freaks like you who just enjoy it.
[pause]
Detective Stephens: And you've killed six of my friends.
The Joker: [mouths "six?"]
The Joker: [holds camera facing himself] See, this is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! If you want order in Gotham, Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die, starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.
[laughs]
The Joker: Harvey, Harvey, Harvey Dent.
[climbs up to the cab of a semi truck, the driver of which is dead or unconscious]
The Joker: Oh, excuse me, I want to drive!
[shoves him out and takes the wheel]
The Chechen: What do you propose?
The Joker: It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman.
[mobsters laugh]
Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free.
The Joker: [over the PA] Tonight you're all gonna be part of a social experiment. Through the magic of diesel fuel and ammonium nitrate, I'm ready right now to blow you all sky high. Anyone attempts to get off their boat, you all die. Each of you has a remote... to blow up the other boat. At midnight, I blow you all up. If, however, one of you presses the button, I'll let that boat live. So, who's it going to be: Harvey Dent's most wanted scumbag collection, or the sweet and innocent civilians? You choose... oh, and you might want to decide quickly, because the people on the other boat might not be so noble.
[the Batpod charges]
The Joker: Ooohhh. You want to play. Come on!
The Joker: You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your strength.
Gambol: You're crazy.
The Joker: I'm not. No, I'm not.
Batman: Then why do you want to kill me?
The Joker: [giggling] I don't, I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me.
Batman: You're garbage who kills for money.
The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.
The Joker: If we don't deal with this now, soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.
Gambol: [explodes] Enough from the clown!
[He rises to his feet; Joker does too, opening his coat to reveal a cluster of grenades, attached to a string around his thumb]
The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta! Let's not *blow* this out of proportion.
Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The Joker: Yeah.
The Joker: [Batman slams The Joker's head on a table] Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...
[Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand; pause]
The Joker: See?
The Joker: Those mob fools want you gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things... forever.
Batman: Where is Dent?
The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you.
Lt. James Gordon: [Batman slams the Joker against a wall] He's in control.
Batman: I have one rule.
The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.
Batman: Which is?
The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.
[mimicking Batman's voice]
The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule!
Batman: I'm considering it.
The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.
Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?
The Joker: You know for a while there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her!
The Joker: I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so... boring. I've had a change of heart. I don't want Mr. Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let's give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn't dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital.
The Joker: Are you the real Batman?
Brian: No.
The Joker: No? Then why do you dress like him?
Brian: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.
The Joker: Yeah, you do, Brian. You *really* do!
The Joker: We made it!
The Joker: Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.
The Chechen: They won't work for a freak...
The Joker: [mocking his accent] A freak...
[pulls out his switchblade and tosses it to some goons, who grab the Chechen]
The Joker: Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hmm? And then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is. It's not about money... it's about sending a message. Everything burns!
Lt. James Gordon: Harvey Dent never made it home.
The Joker: Of course not.
Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?
The Joker: Me? I was right here.
[holds up his arms in handcuffs]
The Joker: Who did you leave him with? Your people? Assuming, of course, they are still *your* people, and not Maroni's. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current predicament?
Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?
The Joker: What's the time?
Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?
The Joker: Well, depending on the time, he may in one spot, or several.
Lt. James Gordon: If we're gonna play games...
[takes off Joker's handcuffs]
Lt. James Gordon: I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.
The Joker: Ah, the good cop, bad cop routine?
Lt. James Gordon: Not exactly.
The Joker: [to the mob after performing his "magic trick"] Oh, and by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it.
Gambol: [to The Joker] Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The Joker: How about a magic trick?
[pulls out a pencil and sticks it upright into the table]
The Joker: I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.
[Gambol's thug walks over to kill The Joker, who slams his face into the pencil and kills him]
The Joker: Ta-daa! It's... it's gone.
The Joker: [to Batman] I wanted to see what you'd do. And you didn't disappoint... You let five people die. Then, you let Dent take your place. Even to a guy like me, that's cold...
Mike Engel: [kidnapped by the Joker, Engel is reading a prepared statement] "I'm Mike Engel for Gotham Tonight. What does it take to make you people join in? You failed to kill the lawyer. I've got to get you off the bench..."
The Joker: Bench...
Mike Engel: "And into the game."
The Joker: ...game.
Mike Engel: "Come nightfall, this city is mine..."
The Joker: Mine...
Mike Engel: "... and anyone left here plays by my rules."
The Joker: ...rules.
Mike Engel: "If you don't want to be in the game... get out now.
The Joker: ...get out now
Mike Engel: But the bridge and tunnel crowd are sure in for a surprise. Ha ha ha ha."
[Joker laughs]
The Joker: All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to them!
Batman: [as Joker is holding Rachel out a window] Let her go!
The Joker: [giving him a look] Very poor choice of words...
The Joker: [to Gambol's thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have...
[breaks pool cue over knee]
The Joker: Tryouts.
[throws broken pool cue at the thugs]
The Joker: Make it fast.
[Batman slams The Joker's head on a table]
The Joker: Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...
[Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand]
The Joker: See?
The Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
[Joker hands Two-Face a gun and points it at himself]
The Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!
[still holding the gun, Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]
Two-Face: [showing Joker the good side] You live.
The Joker: Mm-hmm.
Two-Face: [showing the scarred side] You die.
The Joker: Mmm, now we're talking.
The Joker: [to the Chechen] Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.
The Chechen: They won't work... for a FREAK!
The Joker: [pulls out a knife] Freak? Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches, hmm? And then we'll see just how loyal a hungry dog REALLY is!
The Joker: [half to himself] It's not about money... its about sending a message.
The Joker: [dialing on a cell phone while a mountain of money burns behind him] Everything burns!
The Joker: Let's put a smile on that face!
[the Batpod emerges from an alleyway]
The Joker: Now there's a Batman!
The Joker: [the Joker has Brain Douglas captured and is recording him] Tell them your name.
Brian: Brian... Douglas.
The Joker: Are you the real Batman?
Brian: No.
The Joker: No?
Brian: No.
The Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?
[grabs Brian's mask and dangles it in front of the camera]
The Joker: whooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Brian: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.
The Joker: Oh you do, Brian. You really do. Yeah. Oh shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. So, you think Batman's made Gotham a better place? Hmm? Look at me. LOOK AT ME!
[turns camera to himself]
The Joker: You see? This is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! You want order in Gotham? Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.
[laughs]
[while fighting with Batman, Joker knocks him down and raises a knife]
The Joker: All the old familiar places...
The Joker: You can't rely on anybody these days, you gotta do everything yourself, don't we? But that's okay, I came prepared. It's a funny world we live in; speaking of which, you know how I got these scars?
Bruce Wayne: No, but I know how you got these.
Gambol's Bodyguard: Yo, Gambol, there's somebody here for you. They say they just killed the Joker.
Gambol's Bodyguard: They brought the body.
[a body bag is brought in and dropped on the table; Gambol unzips it, revealing Joker's face]
Gambol: So. For dead, that's 500...
The Joker: [sitting up and sticking a blade in Gambol's mouth] How 'bout alive?
[Joker's men hold the bodyguards]
The Joker: You wanna know how I got these scars? My father, was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife. "WHY SO SERIOUS?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face." And...
[glancing at thug]
The Joker: Why so serious?
[kills Gambol]
The Joker: Don't talk like one of them, you're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now. But when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper. See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.
Batman: [grabs Joker] Where's Dent?
The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you!
Lt. James Gordon: [as Batman slams Joker into the wall] He's in control.
Batman: I have one rule.
The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.
Batman: [getting impatient] Which is?
The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.
[mimicking Batman's voice]
The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule.
Batman: I'm considering it.
The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you wanna save one of them.
Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?
The Joker: You know for awhile there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her.
[Joker laughs, Batman throws Joker on table, barricades door]
The Joker: Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his little bunny?
Batman: [slams Joker into mirror] Where are they?
The Joker: Killing is making a choice.
Batman: [punches Joker] Where are they?
The Joker: Choose between one life or the other. Your friend, the district attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be...
[punches Joker]
The Joker: [laughs] You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength!
[grabs Joker]
The Joker: Don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are. Both of them. And that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52ND Street and she's on Avenue X, at Cicero.
[Batman slams The Joker's head on the table]
The Joker: Never start with the head. The victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...
[Batman punches the Joker's hand. The Joker pauses for a moment waiting for it to hurt]
The Joker: See?
[repeated line]
The Joker: Why so serious?
The Joker: You know. I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us, Harvey. When you and, uh...
Harvey Dent: Rachel!
The Joker: Rachel were being abducted. I was sitting in Gordon's cage. Now, *I* didn't rig those charges.
Harvey Dent: Your men. Your plan.
The Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just... *do* things.
The Joker: [Is about to unmask the unconscious Batman but Gordon suddenly points a gun to his head] Arrrgh! Could you *please* just give me a minute?
Grumpy: That's a lot of money. If this Joker guy was so smart, he'd have had us bring a bigger car.
[promptly draws his gun and points it a Bozo]
Grumpy: I'm bettin' the Joker told you to kill me as soon as we loaded the cash.
Bozo: [looks at his watch, checking it. He sighs] No, no no no. I kill the bus driver.
Grumpy: [as Bozo moves a few paces to one side] Bus driver? What bus driver?
[a yellow school bus reverses through the bank's doors and knocks Grumpy down. The driver jumps out]
Bus Driver: School's out! Time to go!
[laughs]
Bus Driver: Cat's not gettin' up, is he?
[loading duffels]
Bus Driver: That's a lot of money. What happened to the rest of the guys?
[Bozo casually shoots the bus driver dead, then picks up the last duffel and throws it into the bus. Bozo prepares to climb in]
Gotham National Bank Manager: Think you're smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
Bozo: [putting a gas grenade in the banker's mouth] I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...
[takes off his mask revealing the face of the Joker]
The Joker: ...stranger.
The Joker: [talking about crashing the helicopter] Okay, rack 'em up. Rack 'em up, rack 'em up, rack 'em up.
The Joker: [Joker walks into a meeting with a slow, mockingly false laugh] And I thought MY jokes were bad.
Gambol: Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The Joker: How about a magic trick?
[Joker pulls out a pencil and slams in into the table. After a brief struggle, Joker slams Gambol's thug's head into the pencil]
The Joker: TA-DA! It's... It's gone...! Oh, and, by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it.
The Chechen: [Gambol rises in anger] Sit. I want to hear proposition.
[Gambol sits]
The Joker: Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean, what happened? Did... did your balls drop off? Hmm? Ya see, a guy, like me...
Gambol: A freak.
The Joker: A guy, like me... Look. Listen... I know why you choose to have you little
[clears throat]
The Joker: group therapy sessions in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night. The Batman. See Batman has shown Gotham your true colors. Unfortunately, Dent... He's just the beginning. And as for the television's, so-called, plan, Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him and make him SQUEAL! I know the squealers when I see them, and...
[points, accusingly at the monitor broadcasting Lau's face and Lau turns off the camera]
The Chechen: What do you propose?
The Joker: It's simple, we kill the Batman.
[everyone laughs]
Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free.
The Chechen: How much you want?
The Joker: Uh... Half.
[everyone laughs]
Gambol: You're crazy.
The Joker: I'm not.
[slight mocking laughter]
The Joker: No, I'm not. If we don't deal with this now, soon, little, uh, Gambol here, won't be able to get a nickle for his grandma.
Gambol: [slams his hand on the table] ENOUGH FROM THE CLOWN!
[rushes to attack Joker]
The Joker: AH, ta ta ta taaa.
[opens his jacket to reveal several hand grenades with their pins connected to a string around his thumb]
The Joker: Let's not BLOW
[everyone gets up and moves away from Joker]
The Joker: this out of proportion.
Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The Joker: Yeah.
Gambol: I'm puttin' the word out. 500 grand for this clown dead. A million alive. So I can teach him some manners first.
The Joker: Alright, so, listen, why don't you gimme a call when you wanna start taking things a little more seriously. Here's my card.
[sets joker card on the table and walks toward the door, dangling the string tied to the grenade pins]
The Joker: If you are good at something, don't do it for free.
The Joker: You'll see. I'll show you.
Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009) (VG)
The Joker: I'm in control of the asylum. You're not going anywhere I don't want you to. Understand?
Batman: If you think I'll let you run...
The Joker: Blah, blah, blah! Always with the hero speak! I'm getting bored of watching you. Why don't you just come find me?
The Joker: Welcome to the madhouse, Batman! I set a trap and you sprang it gloriously! Now let's get this party started.
The Joker: Hey Bats, go easy on him, hmmm? For me...? Oh hell, why do I care? Do your worst!
The Joker: I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all the hard work. You know, watching you guys is like a night in, watching my favorite movie. What was the name of that movie again? Oh, yes. Attack of the stupid bungling idiots who can't find an bigger idiot running around dressed like a bat! Now get to it!
[yawns]
The Joker: I'm getting bored.
The Joker: Come on boys! He's just one man! One man dressed like a lunatic and armed to the teeth.
[laughs]
The Joker: Go get him!
The Joker: [after Batman has defeated yet another group of henchmen] He's taken out all of you AGAIN...? What does it take? An army of *monsters*?
[laughter]
The Joker: Look at all this new security! How's a guy supposed to break out of here...?
The Joker: [Over the P.A. system] Ding d-ding, dong! Joker here! Here's what's new in the asylum... Some idiot is running around the asylum, dressed like a bat...! I know! Crazy! He should be considered costumed and dangerous.
[laughter]
The Joker: [after Batman has taken out all of the Joker's guards] You...! Oh, why you...! Oh, Batman... I'm really gonna have to hunt you down and kill you one of these days!
[laughter]
The Joker: [Batman is taking out the Joker's guards, one by one] Come on, Bats! Leave 'em alone! For me...? Be your best friend!
[laughter]
Batman: [Batman finds the Joker] There's no escape, Joker! I will find you!
The Joker: Oh, I'm counting on it! Just not yet!
The Joker: [over the P.A] Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!
The Joker: [Over P.A System, about Batman] Remember guys, he may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.
Killer Croc: I've got your scent, Batman! I'm going to hunt you down.
[gets shocked]
Killer Croc: A toy collar won't stop me from killing you, Batman. I'm going to rip you apart, eat your bones.
The Joker: That reminds me, I really need to get some new shoes.
The Joker: Let's talk about employee relations, Bats. Harley disappointed me and now she's out the picture. Gone. Forgotten. Dead to me. You get the picture. What's it like in your organization? Do you punish your hired help who fail you, or is making him wear that saucy outfit punishment enough?
The Joker: Note to self, need more henchman, good ones this time.
The Joker: These are my best men, Bats. I won't stop until you're dead, or they are.
[laughter]
Commissioner Gordon: You took longer than I expected.
Batman: Joker's out of control, he's trying to prove something. I'm not sure I can stop him this time.
Commissioner Gordon: You'll do it. Listen, Batman, we're not alone. He's got someone down there...
The Joker: What a blabbermouth! Spoiling the suprise!
Batman: Be quiet.
The Joker: Am I getting to you? Am I? Good.
The Joker: This island is under my control! That's right, boys and girls! Mine, mine, mine, mine! Oh, the plans I have for this place. It's going to be glorious!
The Joker: [to his goons] Don't worry guys,you can beat Batman, you're the best, at least the best I could find on such short notice
The Joker: [to his goons] Harley tells me the Batman's car is still parked right outside Intensive Treatment. We can't have him up and leave us! Every thug, villain, murderer and kindergarten teacher that isn't carrying out party orders should head there now and smash it to pieces!
The Joker: It'll be time soon enough for you Cash, speaking of time, tick tock is that a crocodile I hear?
The Joker: Paging Dr Bat, paging Dr Bat, is there a Dr Bat in the room?
The Joker: [Over the P.A. system] Tell me Bats. What are you really scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me, in a thong?
Poison Ivy: You will pay, Batman. For hurting my babies.
The Joker: Oh God... Does she ever stop going on about those plants of hers?
Poison Ivy: When I finish with Batman, I'll be coming after you, Joker!
The Joker: Will you really. Well, that's gratitude, isn't it? Women! You give'em presents, experimental chemicals and nice costumes and they still turn on you.
The Joker: Oooh! What did you sneak in, Bats? You can tell me. Batarangs? Batclaws? Batsnacks?
The Joker: I can take it... I can take anything you throw at me, Bats. You can't beat me this time, I'm actually going to win! Ready for the next round?
Batman: Always.
The Joker: *What*?
Batman: I'll never let you win. *Never*!
The Joker: Ding dong. Warden Joker would like to announce that as of today, all Arkham guards have been fired due to budget cuts.
The Joker: [after Bane throws Batman through a brick wall] Play nice, Ladies.
The Joker: How about a hand for Mr. Cash? He could sure use one. Ha ha ha.
Aaron Cash: You'll be laughing out of your butt when I get out of here!
The Joker: Lighten up, homes. I'm just messin' with ya.
Aaron Cash: Can't wait to return the favor.
The Joker: He's crazy, you know.
Harley Quinn: Who, Batman?
The Joker: No, Santa Claus. Of course Batman! Always Batman!
The Joker: Need to take my temperature? I'd be happy to drop my pants.
Batman: Tell me something, you've never let me capture you this easily. What are you really planning?
The Joker: Oh, nothing much. Hundreds dying in pain and fear, all their meaningless lives brought to a horrifying conclusion. All thanks to you and a book of matches. Was that the answer you wanted?
The Joker: Listen, no more tricks. Just one last puzzle and you can have Gordon, and a little more. Oh ho, I can't wait.
[first lines]
The Joker: Hey, Sharpie. Love what you've done with the place.
The Joker: I said I wanted him stopped, and no one listened! It's like you don't want an outbreak of Titan-enhanced mutant babies climbing over Gotham!
The Joker: What's that you got there, Bats? No! Not the formula! What am I going to do? Who can help me now? What's that? How about our old friend Zsasz? Well I did bump into him on the way back from the gardens where he was no doubt acting out some twisted fantasy. Maybe he can get her talking? I think he probably can. Great plan, Bats!
The Joker: Oh, there you are. I was just listening to Zsasz making the good doctor scream while you played around in Scarecrow's world. How was it this time? Learn anything about yourself? Come on, tell me, I'm all ears. Actually, that reminds me, I could have sworn I heard Zsasz cutting her ears off. It certainly sounded like it.
The Joker: Oh, Harley was just a warm-up, Bats. And to be fair, she did an okay job. I give her a B+. But between you and me, I need the A grade.
The Joker: You do not listen to me! I wanted him stopped, but you let him through! Try harder or I'll... I'll hurt you... badly.
The Joker: Having a little trouble up there?
Batman: Joker.
The Joker: You were expecting maybe Two Face?
The Joker: Wee! Great night for a party.
Batman: Not where you're going.
The Joker: The night is young, Bats. I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. I mean, don't you think it's a little bit funny how a fire at Blackgate caused hundreds of my crew to be moved here?
Frank Boles: I thought I told you to stay quiet!
The Joker: Oh Frankie, you really should learn to keep that fat mouth of yours shut. It'll get you into trouble.
The Joker: Yawn-a-rooney. We both know you eat punks like that for breakfast. I've got some real surprises in store for you.
The Joker: Can you smell the excitement in the air? No? Hmm, musta been one of the guards then.
The Joker: Has anyone seen the Bat? Come on, someone must have seen where he went. Big scary man, wears a cape, jumps out of the shadows and beats up useless thugs. Anyone? No? Ha, good.
The Joker: Hey, Bats, I know you can hear me. I want you to hurt these guys. They're nothing to me!
The Joker: [after Batman has defeated yet another group of henchmen] Did I tell you I was going to kill each henchman who failed to beat you? No? Oh, sorry, musta slipped my mind.
The Joker: Anyone feeling a little stressed down there? Your heart racing? Well, get a grip and stop the Bat, or I'll fix your blood pressure... PERMANENTLY!
The Joker: Seeing as how I'm feeling generous, I'm going to give you a free shot! Shoot me now, and finish it all forever!
[Batman draws his Batarang... and stops himself]
The Joker: You're just too predictable, Batsy. Must go! Party preparations, I'm inviting EVERYONE...
[the Joker plays with a Scarface puppet, as Batman approaches him]
The Joker: Now look at what you've done!
Scarface: ME? It was YOUR plan, yah goofy clown!
The Joker: That's it! I'm sending you back to the Ventriloquist where you belong!
[throws Scarface away]
The Joker: You've been quite a party-pooper, Batman: beating up Bane, feeding Scarecrow to Croc, slapping around Harley - MY Harley, by the way!
Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000) (V)
The Joker: Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it.
The Joker: You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away. New Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again!
The Joker: Ah, the new boy. Ears are too long and I miss the cape. But not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
The Joker: [Batman puts the Joker in an arm lock] What are you doing?
Terry McGinnis: Fighting dirty.
The Joker: The real Batman would never -
[as Batman tightens his arm lock]
The Joker: Ooh!
Terry McGinnis: Told you you didn't know me.
[releases him]
The Joker: Funny guy...
Terry McGinnis: Can't say the same for you.
The Joker: Impudent brat... who do you think you're talking to?
Terry McGinnis: Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
The Joker: [draws a laser pistol] Shut your mouth!
[fires at Batman]
Terry McGinnis: [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him.
[tossing a bat-arang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand]
Terry McGinnis: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
The Joker: Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out.
[hits the lights with a bat-arang, turning them off]
Terry McGinnis: The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
The Joker: I'm not hearing this...
Terry McGinnis: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
The Joker: Shut up... shut up!
Terry McGinnis: I mean, joy-buzzers, squirting flowers, lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
The Joker: Show yourself!
Terry McGinnis: You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic.
[mimics the Joker laugh]
The Joker: Stop that!
Terry McGinnis: [still laughing] So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What? You couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown?
[continues laughing]
The Joker: [pulling out some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
Terry McGinnis: [laughs more] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
The Joker: YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!
[Throws the grenades, knocking Terry out of the rafters and onto the ground]
The Joker: Things are going to start popping.
The Joker: [pulls off Terry's mask and begins choking him] HA HA HA! Come on McGinnis! Laugh it up now! You miserable little punk! LAUGH!
[Puts his face close to his]
The Joker: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Terry McGinnis: Ha... ha...
[reaches his hand, holding one of The Joker's electric hand buzzers, to the back of his neck and electrocutes him]
The Joker: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
[you briefly see a close up of the DNA microchip in his neck flying apart]
The Joker: [to Batman] You're welcome to try and stop us, but, heh-heh, I'm not taking bets on *that* happening anytime soon... Toodles!
[Batman tosses Joker out of the projection booth and slams him against a large building block]
Bruce Wayne: I'll break you in two...
The Joker: Oh, Batman, if you'd had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago! I, on the other hand...
[draws a switchblade, slashes Batman across the chest and stabs him in the leg. Batman falls down the pile of building blocks and hits the ground hard. Joker jumps down beside him]
The Joker: You've lost, Batman. Robin is mine. The last sound you'll hear will be our laughter.
[picks up the gun and tosses it to Robin]
The Joker: Here you go, sonny-boy! Make daddy proud! Deliver the punch line.
[Robin laughs. He pulls the trigger and the BANG flag pops out]
Bruce Wayne: Tim...
[Robin only continues to laugh]
The Joker: Do it!
[Robin turns and shoots the Joker, impaling him with the flag]
The Joker: That's not funny... that's not...
[dies]
The Joker: Aren't you the nasty tattle-tale! Ratting me out before I've had my fun... Pappa spank!
The Joker: What's the matter, Batman? No witty comeback? No threat? Then I'll provide the narration...
[the screen flickers to life and "Our Home Movies" appears]
The Joker: I'll begin with how I peeled back the layers of the boy's mind. Oh, he bravely tried to fight it at first. You would've been proud to see him so strong.
[on the screen, the home video of Joker electrocuting Robin appears]
The Joker: But all too soon, the shocks and the serums took their toll, and the boy began to share such secrets with me. Secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true, Batsy! I know everything. And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the sturm and bat-o-rangs, you're just a little boy in a playsuit, crying for mommy and daddy! It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
[pause]
The Joker: Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway. HA HA HA HA HA HAA!
The Joker: [to Batman] If you don't like the movie, I've got slides.
The Joker: You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peaks.
Terry McGinnis/Batman: Maybe, but you don't know a thing about me.
The Joker: You? What's to know? You're a punk, a rank amateur, a costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man.
[rolls up his sleeves]
The Joker: Still, if it's a whuppin' you're a-wantin'...
[Batman runs towards the factory door]
The Joker: That's right. Better to run and save yourself. It's about your speed.
Terry McGinnis/Batman: [Batman pushes the lever upwards to close the door and then breaks off the lever and turns to face The Joker] Let's dance, Bozo.
The Joker: Adios, Brucie. I guess I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts.
[Blows raspberries at Bruce]
Jordan Price: You! Where's Amy?
Dee Dee: Missed the boat, I'm afraid!
[Price looks out the window and sees Amy tied to a pole]
Jordan Price: Turn the yacht around!
Chucko: Detox, bossman. We're here to talk business.
Ghoul: We'll be quick. Woof gets seasick easy.
[Woof walks in front of Ghoul looking nauseous]
Jordan Price: Our business is concluded.
[Batman flies to the window of the yacht and puts his finger on the window to listen in]
Jordan Price: I gave you the security codes so you could ransack the lab while those bunglers tried to kill Wayne.
Chucko: Word is Wayne's terminal anyhow.
Dee Dee: That means you get to stay top dog.
Dee Dee: And everyone's happy.
Jordan Price: So why are you here?
Chucko: The big guy who put us all in contact has decided you're a loose end.
Ghoul: And loose ends should be tied up.
Ghoul: [Jordan Price, seeing that they want to kill him, heads for the door, Woof gets in the way and sends Jordan Pryce to the opposite wall with a jump kick. Ghoul then handcuffs him to a table]
[Through an intercom]
Ghoul: Got him!
The Joker: Then amscray pronto, kiddies.
[Pushes a button on a control panel and you see a 30 second timer show on the panel]
The Joker: Things are going to start popping.
Chucko: Let's go!
Batman: [Batman breaks in through a window] No one's leaving until I get answers.
Chucko: [Ghoul breaks open another window with his pumpkin. Woof growls and prepares to attack, but Chucko stops him by giving him a light tug on the ear] No, you idiot, not now!
[They all jump out the window with Batman peering out and sees them leaving on hover cars, he is about to chase them when he sees a blue light appear from above. He runs back into the room]
Jordan Price: They're getting away!
[Batman breaks the handcuffs]
Batman: Yeah. And I think they've got a good reason.
[the Joker detonates a bomb, destroying a balcony and letting two bystanders dangle. As they yell for help, the Joker pops into his escape vehicle]
The Joker: Well, what's it gonna be, Bat-fake?
The Joker: Bonk?... Oh, right! Dead.
Terry McGinnis: Where's the Joker?
Timothy Drake: Joker?
Terry McGinnis: Drop the act. I know you are working for him.
Timothy Drake: No. Joker's gone. I don't know where he is. Really.
Bruce Wayne: The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.
Timothy Drake: I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kid's stuff. That's all it was.
Terry McGinnis: He may be telling the truth but he's still whack.
Timothy Drake: Fun and games. Boy wonder playing hero. Fighting off bad guys and no one ever gets... oh god. I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget. But I still hear the shot. Still see the dead smile. Every night the dreams get stronger... he's there when I sleep. Whispering! Laughing! Telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same!
Terry McGinnis: I'm calling an ambulance.
Timothy Drake: No. I'm all right. Forgive me Terry, old nasty memories twist inside me like bad oysters. Nothing, really. I'm perfectly fine now.
Terry McGinnis: How do you know my name?
Timothy Drake: There's nothing about you I don't know. Batfake.
[Throws the steel ball he's holding which turns into an electric claw and grabs Terry by the arm, Terry collapses to the ground, immobilized]
Bruce Wayne: Terry!
Timothy Drake: Have a time out. Kid. Can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Bruce, I'm sure you have got your monkey boy wired somehow. That's just peachy. Because I want you to see every minute of this. It's a killer.
[Laughs hysterically, holding his head, and after a while, becomes The Joker]
The Joker: [Takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath] Oh, I never get tired of that!
Terry McGinnis: Drake, you're The Joker?
The Joker: That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a time share. Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment. Using cutting-edge genetics technology which I pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA in a microchip and set it in Bird Boy's birdbrain.
Bonk: He's got us running around, ripping a bunch of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, if he even has one! I-want-out!
The Joker: If you insist.
[He raises a gun. The Jokerz gasp]
Bonk: Hey, man, take it easy... I-I was just kiddin'!
[Joker pulls the trigger, and everyone jumps. A BANG flag comes out of the gun]
The Joker: So was I!
[He chuckles, and all the Jokerz let out a sigh. As Bonk relaxes, Joker pulls the trigger again, and the flag-pole shoots out of the gun, impaling Bonk and poisoning him with Joker toxin]
The Joker: Oops! No, I wasn't! That's *also* how we did it my day!
The Joker: Don't you *dare* laugh at me!
Terry McGinnis: [laughing] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
The Joker: [screaming] You're not Batman!
[Bruce Wayne is lying on the terrace floor, everything's covered in smoke. The Joker becomes more and more visible. Close-up of Bruce's wide eyes as he recognizes the Joker]
The Joker: HELLO GOTHAM!
[waving to the crowd]
The Joker: JOKER'S BACK IN TOWN! WHAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAH
The Joker: This is one of Uncle Sam's orbiting defense satellites. Hyperion-class, laser armed. Handy little gadget for shooting down unfriendly missiles, or giving somebody a world-class hotfoot!
[simulation of the satellite firing down on Gotham]
The Joker: Think of it as urban tagging on a grand scale, reminding all and sundry that *this* is Joker territory!
"Batman: Joker's Wild (#1.42)" (1992)
[On entering the "Joker's Wild" casino]
The Joker: Jumpin' Jiminy Christmas! It's an homage to me! I'm kind of sorry I have to blow it up.
[while posing as a blackjack dealer]
The Joker: Try your luck, friend?
Bruce Wayne: Why not?
The Joker: Say, don't I know you...? Sure, Bruce Wayne! Ah, so this is how your family made all those billions.
[first lines]
[Poison Ivy watches a gardening show, then the Joker strides in and changes the TV channel]
Poison Ivy: Hey! I was watching that!
The Joker: And now you're watching this.
Poison Ivy: Change it back!
The Joker: [goofy voice] Uh-huh, nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.
[interviewing Kaiser about the "Joker's Wild" casino]
Summer Gleeson: Mr. Kaiser, why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's greatest outlaws?
Cameron Kaiser: Summer, please! The Joker is a classical symbol, long associated with cards and games. We can't help it if there's some passing resemblance to some criminal fruitcake...
[Joker hurls a potted plant into the television]
The Joker: How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on my image!
Dr. Pamela Isley: Now who should lighten up?
The Joker: Don't get cute with me, Red! He's ripping me off! I'll protest! Yeah, I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out! And I will, too.
Cameron Kaiser: [cutting the ribbon] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, one and all... to Joker's Wild!
The Joker: Say *what*?
Summer Gleeson: Ugh, that's disgusting!
Cameraman: [whispering] Psst, Summer! We're on the air!
Summer Gleeson: Oh! Uh... there you have it! Let's get a reaction from the crowd. Mr. Wayne?
Bruce Wayne: [equally nauseated] No comment...
[the Joker knocks out Batman]
The Joker: Kind of slow on the reflexes, eh, Batsy? That car crash must have taken more out of you than I thought...
[an unconscious Batman awakens to find himself bound and trussed... ]
The Joker: Wakey, wakey! I thought you'd like to be conscious for your own demise. I really put some effort into this one...
[Batman looks around and finds himself on a giant colorful roulette wheel; even more colorful is the massive pile of explosives to which the wheel is connected]
The Joker: When I spin the wheel, you, the casino, and that strutting fool Kaiser will all be blown sky high! Not bad, eh?
Batman: You won't get Kaiser. He's been playing you for a patsy.
The Joker: Eh?
Batman: He's counting on you to blow this place up, so he can collect the insurance. By the time you get clear, Kaiser will be miles away, laughing at you.
The Joker: I hate it when you make sense!
[the Joker disarms the explosives and removes the connections to the wheel]
The Joker: I'll settle my score with Kaiser, man to clown. But that still doesn't let you off the hook!
[He starts up the roulette wheel and tosses a grenade into it]
The Joker: How 'bout that, Bats? Looks like your number's up!
[Batman appears to save Kaiser]
The Joker: Why can't he ever stay dead?
[last lines]
Summer Gleeson: [on the news] And so it ended for *ex*-billionaire Cameron Kaiser, and the Joker...
The Joker: Bah! Enough of this rubbish!
[changes the channel]
Poison Ivy, Mad Hatter, Scarecrow: Hey! We were watching that!
[nervously, Joker changes it back]
The Joker: [muttering] Ah, you miserable wet tub of no-good losers, you make me sick...
Poison Ivy: Crazy...!
The Joker: I know you are, but what am I?
The Joker: Sucker!
The Joker: Exit, stage left. Laughing all the way!
The Joker: Don't try this at home, kids!
[Joker lassoes a passing semi and gets pulled over the asylum fence]
The Joker: [hijacking a truck] Peekaboo! Sorry, no riders!
[throws the rider out]
The Joker: All work and no play...
[chuckles to himself]
[pushing a trolley filled with explosives through the kitchens]
The Joker: Coming through! Hot stuff!
[Kaiser makes his getaway in a helicopter, but his pilot acts very strangely... ]
Cameron Kaiser: What are you circling for, you fool?
The Joker: It was a scheme worthy of me, Kaiser...
[Kaiser gasps]
The Joker: The way you got me riled up and turned me loose on this place!
Cameron Kaiser: You? But... but you were supposed to destroy the casino!
The Joker: Yeah, but I thought it'd be even more fun to get rid of you and run the show myself!
Cameron Kaiser: But... but, you can't...!
The Joker: Oh, please, Mr. Kaiser! You of all people should have realized there'd be a Joker in the deck!
[Batman's glider crashes into the maw of a giant revolving Joker head]
The Joker: That's right, chew him up and spit him out!
[laughs]
Poison Ivy: GUARD!
Irving: What's the problem?
The Joker: Don't look now, Sunny Jim, but the plant lady's gone wackers again.
Poison Ivy: He started it! I was just sitting here!
The Joker: That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight...
Irving: Okay, okay!
[changes the channel]
Irving: You'll watch this quietly, or you go back to your cell.
The Joker: Jawohl!
Poison Ivy: [sulking] I don't care.
[Joker sidles up to her]
The Joker: You hold my hand, and I'll slug you.
Poison Ivy: GUARD!
The Joker: Just kidding, just kidding! Yeesh, Pammy, lighten up!
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
Joker: So, what's an old-timer like you want with a two-timer like me?
[the Phantasm goes to Valestra's mansion, but instead finds Valestra dead, along with Joker's surveillance camera and a bomb]
Joker: Whoops! Ha! I guess the joke's on me. You're not Batman after all. Looks like there's a new face in Gotham and soon his name will be all over town... to say nothing of his legs, and feet, and spleen, and head...
[the Phantasm leaps out the window just as the bomb explodes]
Joker: Can't be too careful with all those weirdos around.
Joker: Mi casa nostra es su casa nostra.
Andrea Beaumont: You're not smiling, Joker. I thought you found death amusing.
The Joker: Oh, me? You won't hear a giggle out of me.
[Joker presses a button. Hazel the Robot laughs maniacally and attacks with a cleaver]
The Joker: Ain't it always the way? You get in the mood and company shows up.
The Joker: For once, I'm stuck without a punchline.
The Joker: Very cute! But I can blow smoke too, toots!
Joker: You're crazy! I'm your only chance to get out of here! Let me go or we'll both die!
Batman: Whatever it takes!
The Joker: All right, I give in. I surrendered already. Tell her, Batman.
Batman: [Panting] Andrea, you've got to... get out of here! The whole place is set to... explode!
Andrea Beaumont: No. One way or another it ends tonight. Goodbye, my love.
Joker: You just don't know when to quit, do you?
[Sal walks through the remains of the "Future of Gotham" park as the robots sing; then the Joker enters]
Joker: I hate that song... Gasp! Can it be? Old Sallie "the Wheezer" Valestra! Welcome, paisan! It's been a dog's age!
Salvatore "Sal The Wheezer" Valestra: [nervously] Hello, Joker. Didn't mean to drop by unannounced.
Joker: Don't touch me, old man! I don't know where you've been.
The Joker: What a photo op: The city councilman and his wacky pal!
The Joker: That's it. That's what I want to see, a nice big smile.
The Joker: [when Batman picks up the phone in Andrea's apartment] Hello, anybody home? Listen, boopsie, even though you never call and never write, I still got a soft spot for you. So I'm sending you a fun gift, airmail! And there's no use jumping out the window this time, toots...
[Batman looks out the window and sees a toy Joker plane flying in carrying a bomb]
The Joker: The plane of the future is going to make you history!
[Batman throws a Batarang, exploding the bomb outside the window; the blast knocks him back against the wall, and the phone is left dangling]
The Joker: [laughing] Hello? Hello, operator? I believe my party's been... disconnected! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!
Joker: I'm impressed, lady. You're harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids.
The Phantasm: So, you figured it out.
[the Phantasm removes his mask to reveal Andrea Beaumont]
Joker: Gotta hand it to you, nice scheme. Costume's a bit theatrical, but hey, who am I to talk?
[Andrea Beaumont has just called Arthur's office]
Joker: Now ain't that a co-inky-dink?
[grabs Arthur by his shirt]
Joker: Here we are discussing the old man when the spawn of his loins just happens to call! Makes you want to laugh, doesn't it, Artie?
[he laughs maniacally]
The Batman Superman Movie: World's Finest (1997) (TV)
Joker: Pay me one billion dollars, and I'll kill Superman!
Lex Luthor: [chuckles] What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?
Joker: [seizes Luthor by his jacket] There's nothing mere about that mortal!
[Harley's driving Lex Luthor's limo]
Harley Quinn: Whoa, momma, check out the cute hitchhiker!
The Joker: [hitchhiking and showing off his gams] Yoo-hoo!
The Joker: I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Oh, there are differences, to be sure... like hair.
[Chuckles and pat's Luthor's bald head]
[to Bruce Wayne, on dating Lois Lane]
The Joker: My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze?
[Bruce Wayne topples over the edge of a skyscraper]
The Joker: See that he's street pizza! In this town, some flying fool could have caught him!
[the Joker sees Batman fly towards him with a jetpack]
The Joker: Copy-bat! Copy-bat! Suffering from propulsion envy, Batboy?
The Joker: Oh, this could be a fair fight after all! And who wants to see that?
[Superman has just broken in on the Joker]
The Joker: More powerful than a locomotive... and just about as subtle.
Joker: Ceasar Carlini, my old pal! Why I haven't seen you since... wait, I've never seen you, have I? You need to get out more.
Lex Luthor: [grabs Joker] You maniac! You idiot! How dare you use one of my laboratories for your...?
Joker: Harley?
[Harley somersaults out and strikes a ridiculous fighting stance]
Harley Quinn: Put him down, baldy!
Lex Luthor: Mercy?
[Mercy slams a flying kick into Harley]
Mercy Graves: Here's for that punch in the face!
Joker: [to Luthor] Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
[Luthor reluctantly releases Joker, while sounds of fighting continue in the background]
Harley Quinn: Ooh, listen to Little Miss Can't-Take-A-Joke!
[as Joker guides Luthor to a chair, Mercy goes flying across the room]
Joker: Thank you. Have a seat, please.
[as they sit, Harley charges across the room]
Harley Quinn: BANZAI!
[as Luthor and Joker finish their discussion, Mercy and Harley are still pounding each other's heads on the floor]
Lex Luthor: Mercy, let's go!
[to Joker]
Lex Luthor: Keep in mind, this is your last chance.
[He walks out. Mercy limps after him, groaning. Harley limps over to Joker, also groaning]
Joker: How you doin', slugger?
Harley Quinn: A-okay, Mr. J!
[He pats her on the shoulder. She collapses]
[after the Batplane buzzes the Lexwing]
Joker: Batman! It's always Batman! What you got in the way of air-to-air missiles, Lex?
Lex Luthor: You're asking *me* for help?
Joker: If I go down, you go down.
Lex Luthor: It's a red switch.
Joker: Which red...? Oh, the heck with it!
[he jabs buttons at random]
Joker: [rubbing the seat in Lex Luthor's limo] Ooo, rich Corinthian Leather!
Batman: Arkham City (2011) (VG)
Batman: It was all a lie. There's nothing wrong with you.
The Joker: Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know...
[reveals disfigured face]
The Joker: ... there's plenty wrong with me.
The Joker: We're coming to the end, aren't we? When you see what I've been planning all along, you'll just die!
[laughs]
The Joker: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. Watch me kill your favorite cat.
Batman: You want to know something funny? Even after everything you've done, I would have saved you.
The Joker: [laughs, coughs] Actually that is pretty funny.
Batman: Let's just talk about this...
The Joker: NOW you wanna talk?
[pointing a gun to Talia's head]
The Joker: too late
The Joker: You're making me late for my spa treatment! I mean, it's not like you've got a girl to save anymore!
[chuckles]
The Joker: ooh, I'm sorry! Would a change of scenery help ease the pain?
[pulls out a detonator switch and blows Batman into the floor below]
The Joker: Get out of the way, Bats! I've got a date with immortality!
The Joker: [singing to Batman] Only you can make this world seem right / Only you can make the darkness bright / Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do / and fill my heart with love for only you...
[looks at Strange's guards]
The Joker: YOOHOO! Anybody home?... No sense of humor...
The Joker: Quick, the cure! What are you waiting for? C'mon! I killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham and hell, it's not even breakfast. But so what? We all know you'll save me.
Batman: Every decision you've ever made ends with death and misery. People die. I stop you. You'll just break out and do it again.
The Joker: Think of it as a running gag.
The Joker: Quick, the cure! What are you waiting for? Come on! I killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell, it's not even breakfast. But so what? We all know you'll save me.
Batman: Every decision you've ever made ends in death and misery. People die. I stop you. You'll just break out and do it again.
The Joker: Think of it as a running gag...
[the Joker leaps out and stabs Batman in the shoulder, causing him to drop the vial containing the cure, shattering it]
The Joker: Nooooo!
[Batman pulls out the knife while the Joker drops to the floor and begins desperately trying to grab some of the cure]
The Joker: Are you happy now?
Batman: You want to know something funny? Even after everything you've done... I would have saved you.
The Joker: [laughs, coughs] That actually is... pretty funny...
The Joker: [starts laughing and coughing, then gasping for air and finally dies, smiling]
The Joker: Well, look who it is. I haven't seen you for, how long as it been? Let's see, there was an asylum, some monsters, and oh, that's right, you left me to die. Now you probably don't remember it that way, but who cares? You just need to worry about the bombs
Batman: Vengeance (2001) (VG)
The Joker: Look out, Mary. Heh-heh. Toby or not Toby? That is the question. Catch the Joker or save the boy? Aye, there is the rub.
The Joker: Oh well. Kill and the world dies with you; die and you laugh alone.
[Harley Quinn drops a mallet on Batman's head, Joker catches it in mid-fall]
The Joker: Careful, Harley. You'll kill him.
Harley Quinn: But...
The Joker: But nothing. You're my hench-wench. Less wench, more hench, you molly-coddling little twit. Nobody kills the bat but me. Like so...
[Batman and Joker begin fighting]
[Joker is dangling off the edge of the Gotham Bridge]
The Joker: Seems like old times, eh, Bats? You, me, a vat of chemicals?
[Joker giggles hysterically]
Batman: Joker.
the Joker: Heck of a joke, huh, Bats?
Batman: Hilarious. What's the punch-line?
the Joker: Hmph. Some detective. Here's the joke: I'm not dead, and Gotham is. The punch-line: It's all YOUR fault, Batsy.
Batman: The gasworks. The Prometheum. It was all you.
the Joker: That was me, but... Small potatoes. I wanted help, if I wanted to murder a whole city.
Batman: Harley.
the Joker: Sure. Harley had you wrapped around her little... whatever... But I needed more! But I needed more! That's where you came in.
Batman: The gasworks.
the Joker: Ooh. Nice work with that one, Bats. Opening up those valves did wonders for this little "Burning Down Gotham" idea I've been kicking around.
Batman: But what about Ivy?
the Joker: Hah! I've met yams with a higher IQ than that wenchtable! But it was the quietest way to make as much Joker Toxin as I needed...
Batman: And the Prometheum?
the Joker: Well that's the burning question, isn't it?
Batman: You're going to Arkham.
The Joker: Huh, in a coffin or not at all.
The Joker: Ah, Batsy, back again? You can't erase all your hard work now! It's all flames and giggles from here on out!
The Joker: No, No, NO! No fair! Somebody kill the Bat! I'll handle Gotham myself...
The Joker: [halfway through the Batman vs. Joker fight] Uh, Harley, a little help here, slugger?
Harley Quinn: [to herself] Ooooo, now he needs my help, 'less wench' he says, 'more hench' he says.
[shouts]
Harley Quinn: You're on your own, puddin'!
The Joker: That Harley; won't kill for you, can't kill without you!
[goes back to fighting]
The Joker: So, after that, we're home free. Our friend in tights takes the bait, and after we lure him in, we string him up and drop him in the drink! Ha-ha-ha...! Any questions?
Thug: Yeah, well boss... me and some of the other guys were thinking, since we're fighting the Bat and all that, maybe we're not getting paid as much as we should. I mean, when I was working for the Penguin, we was getting benefits and a 401-k...
[Harley charges out of the shadows and hits him over the head with a mallet]
Harley Quinn: Well, now you're working for Mr. J, you chowderhead. You'll do what he says, and take what he gives, and hope it is not - A BULLET!
The Joker: Baby, you're the best!
"Justice League: Wild Cards (#2.21)" (2003)
The Joker: Ah, ah, ah! Don't touch that remote. I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite shows preempted, but look what you're getting instead: me! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage, everything that makes TV great! So stay tuned - you won't believe your eyes.
The Joker: And since every good suspense show has to have a ticking clock, here's mine!
[a display appears on screen, counting down from 23 minutes - the average length of an episode without commercials]
The Joker: Oh, what were you expecting from me? A round number?
The Joker: Uh, Harl, sorry to interrupt, but I think I see one of our stars approaching the red carpet.
[shot of the Batplane landing]
The Joker: And he's in black - always chic. But here come the fashion disasters...
[the Javelin lands next to the Batplane]
The Joker: I'm surprised their mommies let them out of the house looking like that.
The Joker: While they stumble around trying to find my bomb, let's see how the local economy's doing.
[camera shot of a casino's game room: completely empty, and dead silence except for some crickets chirping]
The Joker: Oh, dear. It looks a little slow.
[the camera pans across and finds one old lady, feeding quarters into a slot machine]
The Joker: Ma'am? Ma'am! Aren't you scared?
Old Lady: [not looking up] Of what? This thing's gotta pay off sooner or later.
The Joker: Man, I love this town!
[as Green Lantern and Hawkgirl argue over a bomb]
The Joker: Whew! Is it just me, or is there something going on between those two? Will Green Lantern ever admit to his true feelings? Will Hawkgirl ever stop sublimating her passions with that big honking mace? Will true love conquer all?
[holds up his detonator]
The Joker: Not on my show!
[as the Royal Flush Gang runs from the League]
The Joker: Oh, you're breaking my heart, kids. Stand up to them like I would. If I were there. And if I had super powers and... Oh, for Pete's sakes, go back there and beat on them!
[while Jack is fighting Batman]
The Joker: While there's a break in the action, let's see who the oddsmakers favor.
Bookie: Smart money's all on your boy Jack, Mr. J. Batman has the edge in experience - and weight, I can't help noticing, I suspect he's indulging in too many Bat-donuts - but Jack is younger, and he definitely has the longer reach.
Superman: [scanning the Strip with his x-ray vision] There we go, found it. No, wait, there's another one... two more... three... twenty-five. There are twenty-five bombs.
The Joker: Surprise! This is where we change all the rules. There are twenty-five of my little party favors hidden all over the Strip, and they're set to go off in...
[he puts on an oversized pair of glasses and peers theatrically at the countdown display at the corner of the screen]
The Joker: Oh, dear. That's not a lot of time!
The Joker: I can't believe he didn't suspect a trap. See what happens when you don't watch enough television?
The Joker: [sees Batman on top of a man-made volcano] The good news is it looks like the bat is getting warm. Getting warm, I said.
[points at the monitor]
The Joker: He's next to a volcano!
[TV crew starts laughing]
The Joker: That's enough. Nobody likes a brown nose.
Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe (2008) (VG)
Sonya Blade: [to Kano] You take the ninja, I'll take the clown.
The Joker: What can I say? The ladies dig me.
[Sonya punches Joker]
The Joker: Now, you don't hit like a girl. Can't we talk about this?
The Joker: [shoots Scorpion with boxing-glove gun] Oops. Where did that come from?
The Joker: [to Kano] I hope you'll put up more of a fight than blondie did. Because this Joker... is wild.
Scorpion: The princess. Where is she?
The Joker: Princess? Didn't I kill the last guy that called me that? He should of known. I'm the only joker around here!
Captain Marvel: I know what we're up against. Our enemy is called Dark Kahn.
The Joker: [screams up into the sky, voice echoes] KAHN!
Deathstroke: Shut up or I'll gut you.
Captain Marvel: Darkseid's energy merged with energy from the other universe. Dark Kahn's mere existence is what causing the two universes to collide.
Superman: That explains the attacks on me and the rest of you. The strange fluctuations of our powers.
Lex Luthor: It was you - your heat vision. You blasted Darkseid's boomtube and sent him hurtling into some unknown universe. This is all your fault.
Superman: You accuse me? You helped Darkseid invade the Earth! Remember?
The Joker: Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Captain Marvel: Both of you calm down. You're being poisoned by the Kombat Rage.
Lex Luthor: Poisoned by what?
Captain Marvel: The dark energies from the world merge. We can't fight them on ourselves. We need to work together to find Dark Kahn.
Catwoman: I have lives to spare. How do we find this Dark Kahn?
Superman: If Dark Kahn is made of Darkseid's energy, it's a good chance he's on Apokolips.
Lex Luthor: I know where we can access one of Dark Kahn's portals. I used it when Catwoman and I escaped. If their portal can take us to Oa, it can take us to Apokolips. Deathstroke, you and Joker secure that portal. This device will lead you to the base. Report back to me when you've succeeded.
Deathstroke: You want me to assault an enemy base with him?
The Joker: Come on. We'll kill things, blow things up. Oh, it'll be fun.
Lex Luthor: Catwoman, you're with me. Can't be too safe in this town. Too many criminals. Superman and Captain America, you gather your hero allies and wait for my word.
Superman: All right, Lex. I'll trust you, for now. You get to the portals, I'll go to the Fortress of Solitude and pull up everything I know about Darkseid. No killing. If one of you steps out of line, believe me, I'll know.
The Joker: [Pushes Deathstroke out of the way] Step aside, Death Joke.
The Joker: I'm undefeated, unstoppable. I bet I can even kill... Batman.
[laughs maniacally]
Batman: [Batman drives around in his Batmobile with a defeated Scorpion, then a doll resembling The Joker appears on the windshield and Batman stops the Batmobile before the doll explodes] I don't have time for this nonsense.
[Gets out of the Batmobile]
The Joker: No, no, no! You were supposed to die when the clown exploded.
Batman: Sorry to ruin your night, Joker.
Batman: Alright, Joker. You wanted me?
The Joker: [Coming in] Well, well. If it isn't Batman. Sorry about before, you know: the *running away*, that was rude of me. You'll be happy to know I won't be running away anymore.
Batman: I know you have a trick up your sleeve.
The Joker: [Checks his right sleeve] Nothing up this sleeve, let's check the other one.
[Checks his left sleeve]
The Joker: Nope, nothing up my sleeves.
Batman: [Becoming angry] I don't have time for this.
[Is pushed to the ground by The Joker]
The Joker: Now, you're all mine!
[Defeats Batman]
The Joker: I did it, I beat Batman!
[laughs maniacally]
The Joker: I win, I win, I win, I win, I win.
Batman: [Gets up] Not yet.
[Tazes The Joker]
Batman: You cannot *rage* if you're out cold.
"Batman: Almost Got 'im (#1.35)" (1992)
Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.
Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?
Two-Face: To hit ya with a truck.
Poison Ivy: We used to date.
The Joker, The Penguin, Killer Croc: Ah.
The Penguin: So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...
The Joker: No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.
Two-Face: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
Killer Croc: Huh?
Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...
The Joker: Ah, you're always seeing double.
The Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
The Joker: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask!
[Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]
The Joker: Uh, no offense, Harv.
Two-Face: Just deal...
Killer Croc: Well, you know what I think?
The Joker: Not the robot theory again...
Killer Croc: Well, he could be.
The Joker: I'd say ladies first, but since we don't have any...
[Ivy glares at the Joker, who gives a small chuckle]
The Joker: We'll start with you, Pam...
[the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]
The Penguin: Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!
Poison Ivy: [interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?
The Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
The Penguin: Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...
Harley Quinn: It's Late Night Gotham Live, and here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not, The Joker!
The Joker: Good evening folks, I'm The Joker: living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, but it helps! Ha ha!
Killer Croc: Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her?
The Joker: Ah, c'mon, Crockers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food Factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Killer Croc: I don't think so!
[Croc tosses Joker to a nearby table]
The Joker: [weakly] Was it something I said?
[the villains take a closer look at Croc, and realise it's Batman]
Two-Face: [finishing his "almost got him" Batman story] ... And if it weren't for this blasted coin... I would have got him.
The Joker: Gee, that's too bad, Harv, but I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go?
Killer Croc: [hits the table] ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry, when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer... Closer...
Poison Ivy: And...?
Killer Croc: I threw a rock at him!
[everyone stares in dead silence]
Poison Ivy: So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?
Killer Croc: It was a big rock...
Two-Face: They actually let him keep it!
Killer Croc: You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...
The Penguin: I've come the closest.
Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...
Two-Face: [pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME!
[a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]
The Joker: The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...
[first lines]
[a poker game starts at the Stacked Deck Club]
The Joker: I want a nice, clean game, gentlemen.
The Penguin: That'll be a first...
Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) (V)
Joker: [strikes Robin with crowbar] What hurts more? A? Or B? Forehand? Or backhand?
[puts his ear to Robin's face]
Joker: A little louder, lamb chop. I think you may have a collapsed lung. That always impedes the oratory.
[Robin spits in his face]
Joker: Now, that was rude. The first boy blunder had some manners. I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. Nah, I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar.
Joker: [to Nightwing] Oh, Bird Boy, you're so much less fun now. All grown up and in your big-boy pants. Still, better off than his replacement, right? Even tougher making with the yuks when you're worm food, huh?
[Batman flings Joker across the room, he angrily picks Joker up by the throat and slams him against the wall as Night wing looks on]
Joker: [smiles] You gonna do it this time?
[Batman releases his grip dropping Joker to the floor]
Joker: So disappointed but back to the matter at hand, do you really think I would go through all that trouble and not make sure you knew it was me
Red Hood: [strikes Joker with crowbar] Tell me, how does that feel?
Joker: You know, it only hurts when I laugh.
Jason Todd: I don't know what's worse, your grief or your antiquated sense of morality, Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me. But why? Why on God's earth...
[smashes closet door open holding Joker]
Jason Todd: ...is he still alive!
Joker: Gotta give the boy points. He came all the way from the dead to make this shindig happen. So who's got a camera? Ooh! Ooh! Get one of me and the kid first. Then you and me, then the three of us. And then the one with the crowbar.
Jason Todd: [puts gun to Joker's temple] You'll be as quiet as possible or I'll put one in your lap first.
Joker: Party pooper. No cake for you.
Jason Todd: Ignoring what he's done in the past. Blindly, stupid, disregarding the entire graveyards he's filled, the thousands of who have suffered, the friends he's crippled. You know, I thought... I thought I'd be the last person you'd ever let him hurt. If it had been you that he beat to a bloody pulp, if he had taken you from this world, I would've done nothing but search the planet for this pathetic pile of evil death-worshiping garbage and sent him off to hell.
Batman: You don't understand. I don't think you'd ever understood.
Jason Todd: What? What, your moral code just won't allow for that? It's too hard to cross that line?
Batman: No. God Almighty, no. It'd be too damned easy. All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others and them end him.
Joker: Aw. So you do think about me.
Batman: But if I do that, if I allow myself to go down into that place, I'll never come back.
Jason Todd: Why? I'm not talking about killing Penguin or Scarecrow or Dent. I'm talking about him. Just him. And doing it because... Because he took me away from you.
Batman: I can't. I'm sorry.
Joker: [to Batman] You look good. Been working out? You could probably use a little sun. Then again, who am I to talk?
[laughs maniacally]
Black Mask: I hope you understand the trouble I've gone through to arrange this little get together, a lot of money, a lot of dead meat,I've got a problem and you are absolutely the man who possesses the gifts to take care of that problem, I need you to murder the Red Hood, you think you can handle that?
Joker: [Joker is eating a packet of chips and coughs] May I have some water?
[One of Black Mask's agents gets him a glass of water, Joker breaks it over the end of the table and shoves it in the agent's throat, takes his gun and shoots the other agents, Black Mask stares down the barrel of the gun as Joker laughs maniacally]
Joker: I'm gonna need something to wave and a very big truck
Black Mask: Sure, anything else?
Joker: I'll gonna need some guys, not these guys because well they're kind of dead
Joker: [Putting on a coat] Okay kiddo I've got to go, but it's been fun though right?
[turns towards Jason who's lying motionless in a puddle of his blood]
Joker: Well maybe a smidge more fun for me than you I'm guessing since you're being awful quiet, anyway be a good boy finish your homework and be in bed by nine, and hey please tell the big man I said... hello!
[laughs manically and locks the shed]
"The New Batman Adventures: Mad Love (#2.11)" (1999)
Harley Quinn: That's a real gasser, right Mr. J?
The Joker: [grabbing Harley by the hat] I make the punchlines here! Got it?
Harley Quinn: Yes sir.
[Joker bursts from the door, to see Batman hanging above a tank filled with piranas]
The Joker: HARLEY!
Harley Quinn: Hi, Puddin'! You're just in time to see the...
[Joker slaps Harley across the room, then turns to Batman]
The Joker: Excuse me just a minute.
Harley Quinn: But Puddin', I-I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?
The Joker: Only if I do it, idiot!
Harley Quinn: But it's still your plan, see?
[shows him his blueprints]
Harley Quinn: Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles. Now it all works!
[Joker grabs the blueprints and tears them up]
The Joker: Except you had to *explain* it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!
[He advances on Harley, growling. Nervously, she grabs hold of a swordfish]
Harley Quinn: Now calm down, Puddin'...
The Joker: You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy...
[grabs the swordfish out of her hands]
The Joker: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!
[Joker whacks Harley with the swordfish, sending her crashing out the window and plunging down several stories to land in a pile of garbage, apparently dead]
The Joker: And don't call me Puddin'.
The Joker: A bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry.
The Joker: Well, Batsy, it's been a hoot, as always. May the floss be with you!
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [Holding a note] Care to tell me how this got in my office?
The Joker: I put it there.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.
The Joker: If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name. Harley Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Like the clown character, Harlequin. I know. I've heard it before.
The Joker: It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [narrating] It took me nearly three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.
The Joker: You know... my father used to beat me up pretty badly.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [narrating] Anything except that.
The Joker: Every time I got out of line, BAM! Or sometimes I'd just be just sitting there, doing nothing. POW! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Uh-huh.
The Joker: There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was seven. Oh, I still remember the clowns running around, dropping their pants.
[laughs]
The Joker: My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut! So the very next night, I ran up to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, Dad! Look at me!"
[drops pants]
The Joker: ZOOP! I took a big pratfall, and tore the crotch clean out of his pants!
[Both start laughing hysterically]
The Joker: ...And then he broke my nose. But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from folks who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... Or Batman.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [narrating] It soon became clear to me the Joker, so often described as a raving, homicidal madman... was actually a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance. A lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics. And there, as always, was the self-righteous Batman. Determined to make life miserable for my angel. Yes, I admit it. As unprofessional as it sounds, I had fallen in love with my patient. Pretty crazy, huh?
The Joker: Not at all. As a dedicated career-oriented you woman, you felt the need to abstain from all amusement and fun. It's only natural you'd be attracted to a man who could make you laugh again.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: I knew you'd understand.
The Joker: Anytime.
The Joker: [examining his plans] Boring... lame... not funny... been done... too Riddler...
"The Batman: The Bat in the Belfry (#1.1)" (2004)
The Joker: Stop me if you've heard this one: Two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other...
Batman: Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?
The Joker: You call that a punch line?
Batman: I don't share your sense of humor.
The Joker: Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman: Two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other...
Batman: Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?
The Joker: You call that a punch line?
Batman: I don't share your sense of humour.
The Joker: Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.
Batman: The gas, Joker, or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.
The Joker: Well, if it's gas you want...
[He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time]
The Joker: Place all tray tables in their upright positions.
[Joker laughs maniacally]
The Joker: You have made me one very sad clown.
[discovers that Batman is gone]
The Joker: Where'd you go?
Batman: Knock-knock.
The Joker: Who's... there?
[Batman punches Joker]
The Joker: They all said I was sick in the head. They said I needed help. Well, maybe I am a bit batty. Blame it on the bats in my belfry.
[Joker laughs maniacally]
Batman: Stop this thing, Joker.
The Joker: With what brakes?
[They begin fighting]
The Joker: [while fighting Batman] You know, I really love this place. My old hideout's a shambles. And these digs just scream me!
[after fighting Batman]
The Joker: Okay, take back the asylum! But mark my words: this town has happy days ahead!
Arkham Orderly: Steiner, check. McSwain, check. 2-23 vacant.
[the orderly sees a figure with green hair in cell 2-23]
Arkham Orderly: Hey. No-one logged any new arrivals.
[He opens the cell door]
Arkham Orderly: Whoa! What are you doing in here? What the...?
[the figure also has white feet, yellow teeth and red eyes]
The Joker: I was feeling a bit screwloose, so I checked myself in.
Arkham Orderly: Who? Who are you?
The Joker: [pulls out a playing card from his long sleeve] My card.
[He cackles maniacally]
Arkham Orderly: No. No, no, no!
[the figure sprays green gas at the orderly]
The Joker: Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?
[Batman comes face-to-face with Joker, a clown with white skin, green hair and a huge red grin on his face]
Batman: What did you do to him?
The Joker: Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate.
[jumps down]
The Joker: What rational being dresses like you? Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?
Batman: Who are you?
The Joker: Joker.
Batman: Not what. Who?
[Batman places one hand on Joker's face. There is no sign of white paint on his hand]
The Joker: Smear-free. It's perma-clown! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese!
[Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand]
The Joker: I'm out of gas.
Batman: And I'm out of patience!
[Batman punches Joker]
The Joker: You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?
Batman: Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.
The Joker: Well, maybe I am a little off.
[kicks Batman]
The Joker: But what are you gonna do, lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!
"Batman: Joker's Favor (#1.7)" (1992)
The Joker: Jumpin' Jiminy Christmas! Charlie Collins! It's been forever. How've you been? Lost a little weight; lost a little hair too.
Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins: [a motorist just cut him off] Hey, buddy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown! You think you own the whole road? Why for two cents, I'd...
[the motorist turns to reveal himself as the Joker]
Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins: That was the Joker! I cussed out the Joker!
The Joker: [later on; two pennies are tossed at Charlie's side] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?
The Joker: Guess I'll have to find a new hobby now that old Charlie Collins is... Pfft!
Harley Quinn: Macrame's nice.
[explosion]
The Joker: That came from outside! Rocco, Henshaw! I smell a bat!
The Joker: Okay, Chaz. When Harley knocks on the door three times, you open it.
Charlie Collins: And...?
The Joker: That's it!
Charlie Collins: Wait. That's the favor? You called me here just to open a door?
The Joker: Well, look at the size of that cake, man! She can't open the door and push it in all at once. Think!
The Joker: There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?
Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins: Listen, I'm sorry, really. I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...
The Joker: Now look, my rude friend, we can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite!
[jumps down and grabs Charlie]
The Joker: I'm just going to have to teach you some manners.
The Joker: Here's the deal. I'll let you off, if you promise to do a little favor for me.
Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins: Okay. What?
The Joker: I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you... I'll call.
Charlie Collins: Hold it!
The Joker: Oh, come on.
Charlie Collins: I said hold it!
[slugs Joker in the face, knocking him to the ground]
The Joker: You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!
Charlie Collins: Your not getting caught. Not this time. I found this blown out of the van.
[reveals a Joker bomb]
Charlie Collins: This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes. No grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow all the papers will say is it the great Joker who was found blown to bits in an alley alongside a miserable little nobody?" Kinda funny. Ironic really. See, I can destroy a man's dreams too and that's really the only dream you've got? Isn't it?
The Joker: Look, Charlie, you've been having a bad day. All this running around, all this excitement with...
[Yells]
The Joker: BATMAN!
The Joker: [to Charlie] Stop! Y-you're crazy!
Charlie Collins: I had a good teacher.
[Chuckles]
Charlie Collins: Say goodnight, Gracie!
The Joker: No! Batman! Batman!
[Gasps with relief to see Batman appear]
The Joker: How long have you been there?
Batman: Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.
Charlie Collins: You know he'll just escape again. This is the only way my family stays safe.
The Joker: All right, you win, take it easy.
[Empties pockets]
The Joker: Here's everything on his blasted family. Names, addresses, it's all there.
[Gets grabbed by Batman]
The Joker: You're no fun anymore, Charlie.
Charlie Collins: Hey, Joker!
[Charlie tosses the bomb to Joker. Joker screams and hides himself behind Batman. It turns out the bomb is a dud. Trembling, the Joker looks out from behind Batman's shoulder]
Charlie Collins: Gotcha!
Batman: [Chuckles]
The Joker: Oh, very funny. A million laughs.
Batman: Go home, Mr. Collins.
Charlie Collins: Home. I never thought that could sound so good. I wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner. Right now, anything would taste great. Even meat loaf.
Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins: You said you'd let me go home!
The Joker: I never said ALIVE.
"Batman: The Laughing Fish (#1.46)" (1993)
The Joker: That's great, Harley. Really, but you've forgotten the first rule of comedy: if you have to explain the joke... THEN IT ISN'T FUNNY!
G. Carl Francis: [seeing the Joker] Great Scots!
The Joker: Actually I'm Irish!
The Joker: Since you don't like my side-splitters, how 'bout a skull-splitter?
The Joker: If this lunch meat figured out where we are, Batman won't be far behind. And why spoil my sharky's appetite, when I can feed him bigger fish?
Harley Quinn: Eyugh! Again with the fish, I *hate* fish!
[off Joker's glare]
Harley Quinn: Uh, no offense, Mr. J.
The Joker: Poor Harley. This entire caper's been really rough on you, hasn't it?
Harley Quinn: Uh-huh.
The Joker: Cheer up! You can be my very own little mermaid.
[Harley squeals with joy, then Joker pulls a giant rubber fish head over her, and laughs]
Harley Quinn: You're really sick, you know that, boss?
The Joker: Mmm-hmmm.
The Joker: Don't speak to me again,'kay? Now, what's everyone in town talking about?
G. Carl Francis: Your fish?
The Joker: [slaps Francis with a fish] I told you not to speak!
The Joker: [clubs Batman with a wrench] Meanwhile, back at the wrench...
Harleen Quinzel: [the Joker places a giant fish head over Harley] You're really sick, you know that, boss?
The Joker: Hmm-humm.
[on TV Harley stands in the kitchen wearing a "kiss the cook" apron. The Joker's men are made up as young children]
Harley Quinn: They're finny and funny and oh so delish. They're joyful and jolly. Jokerfish!
The Joker: Say, Mom, wondering what to feed the family tonight?
Harley Quinn: What'll I feed the family tonight?
[the Joker enters wearing a raincoat and hat. He looks like an old sea captain]
The Joker: Arr! Try me famous Joker fish. There's Smiling Smelt, Giggling Grouper and Happy Haddock.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Watching with Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork.
The Joker: [He holds up a fork with a morsel of fish to Harley's mouth] Yummy yum yum. Eat it!
Harley Quinn: Uh, Mr. J? I have this little problem with fish.
[he shoves the food into her mouth]
Harley Quinn: [With her mouth full] Yummy yum yum.
[Harley steps offscreen. The Joker turns to face the camera]
The Joker: Yes, friends, that's Jokerfish.
[Harley is heard puking up the fish]
The Joker: Tasty, tempting, and of course...
Joker's Men: Naturally low in cholesterol.
The Joker: Coming to your local store.
[He begins to grow angry]
The Joker: As soon as that nasty Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits!
"Batman: The Man Who Killed Batman (#1.49)" (1993)
The Joker: You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sidney. No body. No Batus delecti, if you will. We need to pull a job tonight to be sure.
Murphy: Be sure of what, boss?
The Joker: [doing a double-take at Murphy] Why that old Batsy's bought the cave, of course. And one more thing, Murphy... don't ask stupid questions.
[Joker pushes Murphy into the midst of Harley Quinn's two hyenas, who claw off his shirt and lick him silly]
Harley Quinn: I'll get the mop.
The Joker: Any questions, Murph?
Murphy: [cut-up and bandaged] No, sir!
The Joker: Good man.
[after locking Sid in a coffin and dropping the coffin into a vat of acid]
The Joker: Well, that was fun! Now, who's for Chinese?
[the Joker raids a jewelry shop, and waits for Batman to appear. Ages later, a number of policemen show up, but no Knight in sight... ]
The Joker: WHERE IS HE? He's never been late! There's a certain rhythm to these things: I make trouble, he shows up, we have a few laughs and the game starts all over again!
[glowers at Sid]
The Joker: Only now, thanks to YOU... I have this terrible feeling that he's really not coming.
Harley Quinn: [covered in jewels] Whheee! Look at all the pretties!
The Joker: Put them back, Harley.
Harley Quinn: Awww, you're such a kidder, Mr J. You never could...
The Joker: [grabbing Harley in a chokehold] I said put them back!
[tosses her across the room]
Harley Quinn: [shocked] S-s-sure, boss. I can do that. This is me putting them back. No problemo...
The Joker: [sadly] Without Batman, crime has no punchline...
[Batman's eulogy, by the Joker]
The Joker: Dear friends... Today is the day that the Clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that. Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face. Or an exploding whoopie-cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile.
[Anger starts to creep into his tone as he looks at Sidney; everyone moves away from Sid quickly]
The Joker: But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly insignificant gonif who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him. This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats...!
[regains composure]
The Joker: But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man THERE...
[points to Sid]
The Joker: ...and slap him in that box THERE...
[points to Batman's coffin]
The Joker: ...and roll him into that vat of acid THERE!
[points to said vat of acid]
Sidney Debris: No! No! I didn't mean it!
[the Joker's henchmen grab him and stuff him into the coffin]
Sidney Debris: This isn't funny!
"Batman: Christmas with the Joker (#1.38)" (1992)
The Joker: [singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile lost a wheel, and the Joker got away!
[he puts a star on the Christmas tree; then it takes off through the roof with a concealed rocket engine, Joker riding it]
The Joker: [singing] Crashing through the roof, in a one-horse open tree, busting out I go, laughing all the way!
The Joker: "It's A Wonderful Life" will not be seen this year. In its place is the following: Joker here. Greetings, Gotham, and merry Christmas. I hope you're watching, Batman. This one's for you.
[laughs maniacally]
Batman: Keep your eyes open for the Joker.
The Joker: I'll save you the trouble, Batman! Come and get your Christmas present, or the kiddies get it!
Batman: Let them go, Joker. It's me you want.
The Joker: Merry Christmas, Batman!
[Joker has three hostages tied up, and introduces them on his special as "The Awful Lawful Family."]
The Joker: Meet... Daddy Lawful!
[He takes out the candy cane gagging Gordon]
Commissioner James Gordon: YOU DISEASED MANIAC! I'LL...!
The Joker: [sticks the cane back in] Looks like someone needs to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful!
[takes out the cane gagging Summer]
Summer Gleeson: HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP US...!
The Joker: [sticks it back in] Ho, ho, ho, isn't she jolly.
[He comes to Bullock, dressed in an oversized baby outfit]
The Joker: And here we have little Baby Lawful!
[tickles his chin]
The Joker: Coochie-coochie coo!
[takes out the cane]
Det. Harvey Bullock: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'LL RIP YOUR...!
[Joker puts the cane back in]
Batman: Merry Christmas, Joker.
The Joker: Bah, humbug!
[last lines]
The Joker: [wearing a straightjacket, singing] Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la, fa-la-la, la-la-laaaa!
The Joker: [the Joker gives Batman a Christmas present] Well, go on, open it!
[Batman opens the gift, a custard pie splatters in his face]
The Joker: [laughs hysterically] Oh, I can't stand it!
"Justice League: Injustice for All: Part II (#1.19)" (2002)
Joker: How did you get free?
Batman: I could have escaped from that trap at any time. But I thought I'd hang around to keep an eye on you clowns.
Joker: [Luthor won't kill Batman] And people say *I'm* crazy.
[to Batman, a la Daffy Duck]
Joker: You're dethpicable.
Joker: [wheeling a TV into Batman's cell] Showtime, everybody! Live and in color - the end of the Justice League!
Batman: Don't make me laugh.
Joker: It's no joke. There's a surprise hidden in your little clubhouse.
[turns on the TV, showing the Watchtower]
Joker: And when your friends get there, kablooie!
[holds up a box]
Joker: Popcorn?
[Batman is silent]
Joker: Oh well, more for me.
Ultra-Humanite: Joker, you nauseate me.
Batman: Joker. I should have known you'd be in on this.
Joker: Really? I must be falling into a rut.
[to Luthor]
Joker: You're not going to leave him like this, are you?
Lex Luthor: Why?
Joker: HELLO? He's still alive!
Solomon Grundy: Luthor don't want you alone with him.
Joker: Oh, Come on, Grundy - what's a couple of nicks between friends?
Joker: [Batman head-butts him to prevent getting cut] Not funny, Bats.
"Batman: The Last Laugh (#1.15)" (1992)
Batman: Justice will be served, Joker.
The Joker: Service with a smile?
[Joker throws one of his steel playing-cards at Batman, but it misses him and hits a wall]
Batman: Clean up your act, Joker.
The Joker: Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke.
[Joker laughs maniacally]
The Joker: [when going to rob] When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
The Joker: [dangling over a garbage incinerator] Batman! You wouldn't let me fry, would you?
[Batman ponders for a moment, with a slight grin on his face]
The Joker: [whining] Batman!
[Batman finally pulls The Joker up]
The Joker: [Batman destroys Captain Clown by pushing him into a garbage disposal] You killed Captain Clown! YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN! Just for that, Batman...
[activates a crane to dump an entire truckload of garbage on Batman]
The Joker: Hey, Batman! You stink so bad I can smell you from here!
[laughing]
The Joker: Pee-uuuu! Pew, pew, pew!
The Joker: Justice is best served hot, Batman! You're going to melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich!
The Joker: Whoops! Look likes our air holes have turned into water holes! What-a-shame!
[laughs]
The Joker: You shouldn't have made Captain Clown MAD.
"Batman: Be a Clown (#1.11)" (1992)
Jordan Hill: [after Batman breaks free from a straightjacket] He did it! He got free!
The Joker: They don't make straightjackets like they used to. I should know.
Timmy Frye: [Joker holds up a dynamite] What's that?
Fake Jekko (The Joker): It's a candle Einstein, except this one blows you out.
[Batman is trapped in a water tank]
Jordan Hill: He can't get out! What's the trick?
The Joker: That's just it - there is no trick!
Jordan Hill: No, he'll drown!
The Joker: That's why they call it a finale!
The Joker: [throwing his razor-sharp playing cards] Take a card, Batso! Take *all* the cards!
[as the roller coaster with Batman on it blows up]
The Joker: That must have been his stop!
[Batman appears at the back of Joker's coaster]
Batman: On the contrary, Joker: this is where *you* get off!
Jordan Hill: How can I get to be a great magician like you?
Fake Jekko (The Joker): Well, there are three steps. Step one: Run away. Step two: Find a magician with a great act. And step three: Steal it.
Mayor Hamilton Hill: What just happened was an isolated incident. There are just a few rotten apples giving an otherwise peaceful community a bad name.
Summer Gleason: Do you include Batman in those "rotten apples", mayor?
Mayor Hamilton Hill: Absolutely. He and criminals like the Joker are cut from the same cloth.
The Joker: [Watching the News Report] What? Compare me to Batman? I've got more style, more brains, I'm certainly a better dresser!
"The Batman: The Rubberface of Comedy (#1.12)" (2005)
The Joker: When Joker's through clowning with you, you wouldn't know where to find your mind!
[cackles maniacally]
The Joker: If Gotham belongs to Joker, the dull face of tragedy must become the rubber face of comedy!
The Joker: All it takes is one rotten day to transform a normal man into a monster! Well, in my case, a rotten day and a chemical bath.
[laughs maniacally]
Chief Angel Rojas: Wouldn't you say, Detective?
Detective Ethan Bennett: Chief. BACK OFF!
Chief Angel Rojas: Bennett.
Detective Ethan Bennett: This is not my fault, chief! No, no.
The Joker: So we have issues with the boss, eh? Well, who doesn't? Bosses make terrific tormentors. Tote that barge, lift that bail, rewrite that script, sort that mail. All it takes is one too many orders to make the cuckoo call.
[Joker's origin is shown]
The Joker: All it takes is one rotten day to transform a normal man into a monster! Well, in my case, a rotten day and a chemical bath.
[Laughs]
The Joker: You mean to tell me the chief of police considers this vigilante a greater menace than me, the Clown Prince of Crime?
The Joker: So the giraffe turns to the police chief and says: "The last thing I saw was that screwloose detective trying to pick the nuts out of the fruitcake!"
Detective Ethan Bennett: [Laughs] "Nuts out of the fruitcake".
[They both laugh]
The Joker: Detective, my therapy worked. It seems you and I finally share the same sense of humour
Detective Ellen Yin: Don't fool yourself, Joker. Bennett plays for my team.
Detective Ethan Bennett: Yin?
The Joker: A yin to his yang.
"Batman: Batman Sets the Pace (#1.26)" (1966)
Henchman #2: [after Batman and Robin walk up out of the chimney] Hey, boss, they're gone!
The Joker: I know that!
Henchman #2: But how did they get out?
The Joker: They took the elevator! What do you think?
The Joker: [after his cover is blown and his Maharaja costume destroyed] Egads! I'm deflated!
Batman: A fitting end for you, Joker. Like the rest of your criminal ilk, you were never anything but a threatening bag of hot air. Chief O'Hara, call your men. Cart this human trash away.
Chief O'Hara: Right.
The Joker: What's the matter with you, Batman? I'm the funny man around here!
The Joker: Egads. The tide is turing against us!
Jill: Let's scram, Joker!
Commissioner Gordon: [on phone] I warn you Joker, if the Maharajah is harmed, we'll hunt you down, if it takes a hundred years.
The Joker: [on other line] By that time my jokes will be stale, wouldn't they, Commisioner?
[laughs]
Batman (1966)
Joker: Have you heard this one? It'll KILL you, Batman!
[laughs]
Joker: A joke a day, keeps the gloom away!
Penguin: Waugh waugh!
Joker: [mocking] Waugh waugh!
Joker: Suppose Penguin did fail! All the more reason not to send up your stupid clues!
Riddler: Oh, but I must, I must! Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise!
Riddler: This bird has flown around the bend.
Joker: Too cuckoo to land!
Catwoman: Riddler! Joker! Do something! We weren't meant for a watery grave, DO SOMETHING!
Joker: Now hear this! Now hear this! Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!
"Batman: The Strange Secret of Bruce Wayne (#1.29)" (1992)
Two-Face: Get outta my face, clown!
The Joker: Which one?
The Joker: Why, Hugo, why didn't you tell us about your fear of flying?
Dr. Hugo Strange: Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!
Two-Face: That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!
The Joker: And people say I'm crazy!
[preparing to toss Strange out of a plane]
The Joker: Now remember, it's not the fall, it's the sudden stop!
The Joker: [on his answering machine] Ha, ha, ha! Boy, did YOU get a wrong number! Leave your message at the sound of the shriek.
Man on Answering Machine: No, please, don't... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Joker: Careful with that luggage, you might lose your tip, or your head.
"Batman: Trial (#2.9)" (1994)
Harley Quinn: I just wanna say, if there was no Batman, there'd be no Joker, and I'd have never met my Puddin'. Thank you, Batman.
[Batman glares at her]
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: Sad, isn't it. Harleen Quinzel was a doctor here at Arkham until the Joker twisted her mind.
Harley Quinn: Ha! You're just jealous because you don't have a fella who's as lovin' and loyal to you as my Puddin' is to me!
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: Ah-ha. And I suppose it was that same "loyalty" I saw the last time you escaped and "Puddin'" here...
[points to the Joker]
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: ...finked on you in hopes of getting time off!
Harley Quinn: Is that true, Puddin'?
The Joker: [sheepishly] "Finked" is such an ugly word...
Harley Quinn: [grabs the Joker and starts shaking him] You lousy, scum sucking creep!
The Joker: The witness is excused!
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: I suppose you, like your friends, claim that Batman 'drove' you to be a criminal?
The Mad Hatter: He did.
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: And yet, as I recall your case, you brainwashed and kidnapped a woman who rejected you.
The Mad Hatter: Batman forced me to do it! He was going to take her away from me, I had no choice!
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: You could have respected her wishes and left her alone.
The Mad Hatter: I'D HAVE KILLED HER FIRST! Oop! I'd like that last statement stricken from the record please.
The Joker: Record? Is someone supposed to be writing this down?
Scarface: [as the Joker aims a gun] No, you'll hit Croc!
The Joker: What's your point?
Scarface: Court is now in session! The Good People of Arkham Asylum vs. the self-righteous vigilante called Batman! Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury!
The Mad Hatter: Hang him!
Harley Quinn: Shoot him!
Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!
Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!
The Joker: [bangs gavel] Guilty!
D.A. Janet Van Dorn: I was promised a chance to defend my client!
The Joker: Oh, very well. Like it'll make a difference.
Two-Face: Nobody panic!
[Everyone turns to find Harley Quinn dangling from the ceiling, strapped in Batman's straightjacket]
The Joker: OK... start panicking.
"Batman: The Joker Goes to School (#1.15)" (1966)
The Joker: [picks up phone] Hello, hello? Give me the sign.
Suzie: [on other line] How do you stop a dog from barking in July?
The Joker: Countersign: shoot him in June. Very good!
[laughs]
The Joker: Oh...
[laughs]
The Joker: ... thank heavens for my delicious sense of humor.
The Joker: [showing up in the school, laughs] Hello kiddies, meet the Joker!
The Joker: [Batman prepares to arrest the Joker for loitering in the school] Wrong kiddies, look up the statute, in Gotham City the law calls for the loiterer to stay in the same spot for more than two minutes.
Batman: You jailhouse lawyer!
"The New Batman Adventures: Joker's Millions (#1.7)" (1998)
Batgirl: [holding back Joker so he can't jump off the boat] Don't be stupid! You can't save that money!
The Joker: I don't want to save it! I want to go with it!
The Joker: I may be crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? No thank you!
The Joker: [to his barking hyenas] Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other.
Ernie: Hey boss. Why didn't you buy Harley a ticket out of the bin too?
The Joker: Now, now, Ernie. Mustn't be too extravagant. besides, it's cheaper to hire a new one.
[Walking among a row of "Harley candidates"]
The Joker: Too fat. Too small. Too old.
The Joker: [takes a good look at Paul Dini, dressed in a Harley Quinn outfit] ... No.
Paul Dini: Darn!
The Batman vs. Dracula (2005) (V)
The Joker: [a vampire, starved of blood] I thought you cared!
Batman: Believe me, Joker, I'm trying to help you.
The Joker: Then FEED ME!
[Spies a cockroach, and speedily gobbles it up]
The Joker: Got ketchup?
The Joker: [to Batman, after being bitten by Dracula] You're the second batman I've met tonight, and you're both a pain in the neck.
The Joker: Joker's back from the grave!
The Penguin: Yeah, a lot of that going around.
The Joker: Batsy, you complete me.
"Justice League: Wild Cards: Part II (#2.22)" (2003)
The Joker: Even as I speak, millions of you slack-jawed couch potatoes are slowly losing your grip on reality - which in my opinion is highly overrated anyway.
The Joker: [singing to the tune of "London Bridge"] Big ol' Bats is fallin' down,/On the ground,/Mind unsound,/Big ol' Bats is fallin' down,/I'm so happy!
The Joker: Mush as I enjoy watching my pummel the Flash, I've learned from hard experience that it always pays to keep an eye on bat guano.
The Joker: Even you can't disarm one my bombs in time.
The Flash: Shut up!
The Joker: What kind of retort is that? You're not even trying.
[Flash reaches for the blue wire]
The Joker: Not the blue one! You'll blow us all to smithereens!
"The Batman: Topsy Turvy (#1.10)" (2005)
The Joker: The Batman. What if I hadn't been decent?
Batman: You're never decent, Joker. Why bother putting a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?
The Joker: To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.
Batman: Answers, Joker.
The Joker: [mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?
Batman: You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?
The Joker: [Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.
Batman: [Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.
The Joker: Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.
Batman: Then why -
The Joker: Because I miss your company, Batman.
Batman: [pushes Joker aside]
The Joker: We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!
Batman: Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?
The Joker: Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole!
[Laughs]
The Joker: [Joker pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]
Batman: What?
[Joker blows out green Joker gas at Batman's face, causing him to collapse]
The Joker: [Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck!
[Laughs]
[Joker mutters to himself in his Arkham Asylum cell when Batman appears]
The Joker: The Batman. What if I hadn't been decent?
Batman: You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?
[Joker laughs]
The Joker: To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.
Batman: Answers, Joker.
Batman: You're going back to Arkham, Joker, for a long game of Solitaire.
The Joker: Funny, Batman. You're quick with the punchline!
Lego Batman 2: DC Super Heroes (2012) (VG)
The Joker: Where does he get these unbreakable toys?
Lex Luthor: No, thanks. I don't want to get joy buzzed.
The Joker: Oh, don't worry. I don't want to shake hands, I want your watch. Nice running into you. Let's do it again, sometime.
Lex Luthor: Oh, we will.
Lex Luthor: How would you like to be out of Arkham right now, and given a chance to take revenge on Batman and the rest of this ungrateful city?
The Joker: I'd have to be crazy to say no to that offer. Unless you're just one of the voices in my head. In which case, I'm crazy anyway.
The Joker: Wait a second. What are you going to do the Dynamic Dumb-Dumb?
Lex Luthor: Joker, I have an election to win.
The Joker: But who will I play with if he's dead?
Lex Luthor: Robin's still around. If we eliminate Batman, Robin will probably put on the suit and say he's Batman.
"The Batman: The Metal Face of Comedy (#5.8)" (2007)
The Joker: [after being downloaded into WayneTech nanobots] Ooo... I feel like a million bots!
The Joker: I'm the new and improved version... Joker 2.0!
The Joker: [returning to the hideout after escaping the hospital] More like a cheap knock-off, plus one bad joke.
The Joker: I wonder if The Penguin has these staffing problems?
[The Joker 2.0 has been uploaded into the computer]
The Joker: How'd I get back in here? And who the heck are you?
Nightwing: [Pounding his fists] Nightwing!
"Young Justice: Revelation (#1.14)" (2011)
The Joker: Poor heroes. Nothing they do is quite enough. - Ain't it grand?
[laughs]
Pamela Isley: And impressive. How you simultaneously juggle multiple scenarios.
The Joker: I've had practice. Juggling my multiple personalities.
[laughs again]
The Joker: With so much power at my fingertips, some might call me a "Control Freak." Others just a "Freak." - either works for me.
The Joker: Children! Children foiled our plan. Inconceiveable. Unacceptable. Retributionable! That last one might not be a word. So sue me.
"The Angry Video Game Nerd: Batman: Part 2 (#3.14)" (2008)
The Joker: Oh, would you like to play a bad game, Batman? How about the Gameboy version, The Return of The Joker. Have fun motherfucker!
[the Joker is laughing loudly]
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Shut Up!
The Joker: Fuck you, motherfucker!
The Joker: What are you playing, Return of the Joker? Didn't you just play Return of the Joker? Return of the Joker, Return of the Joker... how about Revenge of the Joker for the Sega Genesis.
"Batman: The Joker Is Wild (#1.5)" (1966)
Robin: Batman!
The Joker: [a sword hanging on a wall falls and hits Batman in the head. Batman pretends to be knocked out. The Joker's Henchman restrain Robin; he laughs] We have two more jewels for our collection! My comic crondies, Batman and Robin, the dashing diamonds of derring-do.
[laughs]
The Joker: Come, my funny fellows! We've got a little diamond cutting to do!
[the two henchman lead Robin away and two more henchman pick up batman and begin to walk away with him]
The Joker: [laughing] And now, people of Gotham City, the moment you have all been waiting for.
[still laughing]
The Joker: The grand finale! The climax of my performance! The zenith of my career! The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder!
[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that is funny, I shall never be foiled by that insidious, unconstitutional device again!
"The Batman/Superman Hour: It Takes Two to Make a Team/Opera Buffa (#1.17)" (1969)
Joker: No safe is safe from me.
[opens the safe entrance to see Batman's head there]
Batman: Except this one, Joker.
Joker: [cornered] Ohh-h-h-h, n-o-o-o-o.
Batgirl: Ohh-h-h-h, y-e-e-e-s.
Joker: [last lines: "Opera Buffa"]
[seeing a photo of Batman and Robin's statues in his cell]
Joker: Oh, no! Take them away, please!
[they and Commissioner Gordon laugh]
"The New Batman Adventures: Beware the Creeper (#2.10)" (1998)
[Harley slowly rises out of an oversized cream pie]
Harley Quinn: [singing] Happy anniversary, Mr. J / You're really swell and okay / It's seven years to the day-hey / Take the night off, let's play...
[the Joker watches, gobsmacked]
The Joker: Harley...
Harley Quinn: Wanna try some of my pie?
The Joker: Harley.
Harley Quinn: I'm sure you'll want seconds.
Harley Quinn: Think Bats saw you, puddy tat?
The Joker: Oh, he did! He did! He'd never miss a show about me! He's my biggest fan!
The Joker: How about that, Bats? You broke my face and got seven years of bad luck. Are you going to try for fourteen or are you going to try to raise that anchorman out of the ocean?
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2 (2013) (V)
Joker: That's why I'm gonna kill everyone in this room.
David Endocrine: Okay. I think that's a little more insight than we had in mind.
Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: It's okay, he doesn't really mean that. He's just trying to ease the tension.
David Endocrine: Funny way to go about it.
Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: You have to remember, this man isn't responsible for those killings. He's merely a victim of the Batman's psychotic obsession.
Joker: I thought I was Batman's psychotic obsession.
David Endocrine: So you think the Batman's the real sicko here.
Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: Without a doubt. He's an obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic hero-complexed sociopath. I would love a shot at him as a patient.
Joker: [holds up coffee mug] Do guests get to keep these?
David Endocrine: Heh. Sure, you do whatever you want with it. We got a closet full of them.
[Joke smashes the coffee mug and slits Dr. Wolper's throat]
Joker: So long as you won't miss it.
Batman: No more! All the people I've murdered...
[uppercuts Joker]
Batman: ... by letting you live.
Joker: [Spits blood] I never kept count.
Batman: I did!
Joker: I know. And I love you for it.
[Slashes Batman's chest]
Joker: It's finally here, isn't it? The moment we've both dreamed about!
[as Joker's about to stab Batman through the eye, his vision blurs]
Joker: Oh, don't tell me you're gonna fall asleep before we finish? You have gotten old, haven't you?
[Batman punches Joker off him and throws him against a wall, choking him]
Joker: Not quite how I imagined it, but we can still end on a high note!
[Joker stabs Batman in the torso three times while laughing maniacally. Batman twists his neck enough to paralize him but not kill as two witnesses run away]
Joker: You're in trouble now... Go ahead. Say this has never happened to you before.
Batman: Shut up...
Joker: Make me! Come on! Finish me!... Ah, doesn't matter. I win. I made you lose control. Heh-heh-ha, and they'll kill you for it. Eh-heh-heh! See you... in hell! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
[Joker twists his own neck to kill himself]
"Batman: The Brave and the Bold: Chill of the Night! (#2.11)" (2010)
Poison Ivy: [bidding on the sonic disruptor] Ten thousand!
Two Face: Fifteen thousand!
Joker: Two bits!
[everyone looks at him]
Joker: Ha Ha! Thought I'd lighten the mood.
Joe Chill: Guys! You've got to help me! Way back I whacked a guy for a job, and now... that guy's son is back for revenge! That guy's son... is Batman!
Joker: [Joker laughs]
Joe Chill: What's funny?
Joker: You're saying we owe Batman's existence to you? That's killer!
Poison Ivy: So it's your fault Batman's always on our backs!
[the other villains start to surround Joe Chill]
Joe Chill: No, guys! Wait!
"The New Scooby-Doo Movies: The Dynamic Scooby Doo Affair (#1.2)" (1972)
The Joker: [tricking Batman and Robin to fall down a shaft to an empty room with no way out] Our pit is full, how pitiful.
Velma: What about the vanishing house?
The Joker: The WHAT?
Fred: The farmhouse that really isn't there.
The Joker: Listen you young jackanapes, *I'm* supposed to be the one making the jokes around here.
Daphne: Do you know who Mrs. Baker is?
The Joker: Sure I know who Mrs. Baker is
[points to Scooby]
The Joker: that creature's mother. Bow wow! Arf arf!
Scooby-Doo: Sheesh! Cooorrrny!
Batman: Dead End (2003)
The Joker: [after punching Batman with a set of brass knuckles] What's the matter, freak? Can't take a little joke?
Batman: [after kicking Joker] You're pathetic!
The Joker: Oh, that's rich... coming from someone who runs in the dark, wearing a cape... and a mask!
Batman: [grabbing Joker] We both wear masks!
The Joker: Look at my face. This is who I am. My... 'mask' is permanent. You have a choice.
Batman: You made your choice a long time ago, Joker.
The Joker: NO! You did this to me! And you condemned me to that asylum, like some bastard child that you refuse to take responsibility for! That's why you'll never kill me, Bats! You made me... Daddy!
Batman: Criminal scum like you... made me!
[he slams Joker against the wall, JOker laughs insanely]
Batman: You're going back to Arkham!
"Batman: The Joker Trumps an Ace (#1.25)" (1966)
Batman: [Batman and Robin are all tied up] It's like being caught in a barrel of snakes!
The Joker: Well, well, now I must say, this is an expected pleasure.
[laughs]
The Joker: [laughs hysterically] There. My funny-ray has neutralized the gadgets in your utility belts for at least an hour!
[more cackling]
"The Batman/Superman Hour: The Big Birthday Caper/Two Penguins Too Many/Luminians on the Loose/The Space Refugees (#1.6)" (1968)
Joker: But we're going to divide the loot; don't you trust me?
The Penguin: You want at honest answer?
Joker: [last lines: "Two Penguins Too Many"] You and those idiotic birds of yours.
[the penguin chick begins biting his leg, causing him to run and it to chase with the older two following]
"The New Batman Adventures: Old Wounds (#2.5)" (1998)
The Joker: Nice entrance. Either you've never heard of a door or you just like pulling glass out of your shorts.
[Batman knocks away Joker's pet hyenas]
The Joker: Hey! Do I hit your kids?... Oh, actually I do. Ha-ha!
"Batman: Harley and Ivy (#1.47)" (1993)
[Batman takes cover in Poison Ivy's hideout, in the middle of a toxic waste dump. Joker opens fire with a tommy gun, laughing maniacally]
Batman: Stop shooting, you lunatic! We're sitting on a powder keg!
[Joker keeps shooting, heedless, until a chemical drum ignites and sets off an enormous explosion, rocking the whole dump and whooshing toward everyone]
The Joker: Whoops... Dopey me.
[last lines; everyone is back in Arkham]
The Joker: That's it. The next time I start a gang, no women. YOU HEAR ME? NO WOMEN!
[outside, Harley and Ivy are tending the vegetable patch]
Harley Quinn: I think we can still work it out, don't you?
[Ivy flings a handful of soil in her face]
"The New Batman Adventures: Legends of the Dark Knight (#2.6)" (1998)
50's Joker: [on the radio] "Sing a song of larceny, sing it round the town! Joker's stealing laughter and Batman is going down!" HA HA HA HA! The comedy is finished!
Security Guard: The Joker! I'd better stay on my toes!
[Scene cuts back to the kids]
Nick: "Better stay on my toes"? He actually said that? Out Loud?
Matt: I don't know. This is how my uncle tells it.
50's Batman: Hold it right there, Joker!
50's Joker: Eh?
[Joker looks up to see Batman and Robin in the skylight]
50's Joker: Batman!
50's Batman: We got your clue about stealing laughter, "The comedy is finished".
50's Robin: A famous line from Paliacci, the opera about a sad clown.
50's Batman: It was your twisted way of saying you'd steal the original score.
50's Robin: Now we're going to make our own clown cry.
"Batman: Batman Is Riled (#1.6)" (1966)
Joker: [Batman & Robin are lying unconscious with their heads on a chopping block] I get The S.S. Gotham, or your precious Dynamic Duo gets launched... to eternity!
[laughs]
Batman: [Batman and Robin spring into action] Wrong, Joker! YOU get launched!
Robin: Right back to the pen where you belong!
Joker: Egads! What sorcery is this? There was enough paralyzing gas in that cork to keep ordinary men unconscious for hours!
Batman: No sorcery; merely the precaution of a Universal Drug Antidote PILL!
[slugs The Joker]
Robin: [as a fight ensues] You've tripped on one of your tricks this time, Joker!
Batman: That replica of your utility belt was too exact!
Robin: We analyzed the cork you had in it and found paralyzing gas!
Robin: And I just happened to notice that the seal around the cork in that bottle of champagne was NOT discolored with age... odd in a 1849 vintage!
The Joker: [presenting "What's my crime" on television] Are you listening out there, Fatman and Boy Blunder?
[bursts out with insane laughter]
Robin: [slaps the palm of his hand with his fist while watching in the Batcave] Oh boy! How I'd like to top him with a punchline!
"Batman: Flop Goes the Joker (#2.58)" (1967)
Baby Jane Towser: Joker, you could at least untie us. My hands are getting stiff.
The Joker: Of course, my dear. The Joker is nothing if not magnanimous.
Mrs. Putney: How about me?
The Joker: Well, my generosity does not extend to overweight matrons.
The Joker: Where's Bruce Wayne?
Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.
The Joker: Too bad! I'll get my revenge later. Right now I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?
Alfred Pennyworth: My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.
"The Batman: Clayface of Tragedy (#1.13)" (2005)
Clayface: Come on in, Batman. It's time to say our goodbyes to Chief Rojas.
Batman: Let him go.
Clayface: What, you don't approve, Bats? After all, to Rojas here, we're both on the wrong side of the law.
Batman: It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the code you live by that matters. And you don't wanna cross a line that you can't uncross.
Clayface: Maybe you haven't noticed, Bats, but my line's been crossed for good!
Detective Ellen Yin: Ethan, no!
Detective Ethan Bennett: It's not cool anymore to reveal secret identities, Yin.
Detective Ellen Yin: Not that it matters.
Bruce Wayne: When I can be anyone I choose.
Batman: And when I'm no longer sure what I am.
The Joker: Except a freak!
[laughs]
The Joker: You know what separates the freaks from the normals? Just one rotten day. Ever had a really rotten day, Batman?
Clayface: Thought so.
Batman: Joker's rotten to the core by choice. A choice that's still yours to make, Detective.
Detective Ellen Yin: Turn yourself in, Ethan. We can help you.
Clayface: You don't get it, do you? Joker didn't just melt my skin, he melted my mind! I am a freak, inside and out! And Chief Rojas has zero-tolerance for the likes of me!
"The Batman/Superman Hour: How Many Herring in a Wheelbarrow?/In Again Out Again Penguin (#1.3)" (1968)
Robin: Holy smokes, Batman!
Batman: Cool it, chum. We're not done for. Yet.
Joker: Not yet, but in a moment you'll be *well*-done!
"Batman: Harlequinade (#2.10)" (1994)
[fleeing the city]
Harley Quinn: But what about all our friends? Ivy and Two-Face and... Hat Guy and Lizard Man and Puppet Head and...
The Joker: What about them?
Batman: Don't forget your little pets!
Harley Quinn: [gasp] The babies! We can't leave the babies!
The Joker: I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go!
"The Batman/Superman Hour: A Game of Cat and Mouse/Beware of Living Dolls (#1.10)" (1968)
Joker: What're you trying to do, drown me?
Catwoman: Not a bad idea, Joker.
"The Joker Blogs: An Apple a Day (#1.6)" (2009)
Jonathan Crane: Be careful with this one. doctor Quinzel. He's not fakeing.
The Joker: Funny thing is, neither is she.
"The New Scooby-Doo Movies: The Caped Crusader Caper (#1.15)" (1972)
Professor Flakey: What would you do with a sying flute?
The Joker: A *sighing flute*?
Professor Flakey: I mean a flying suit, made of rubber. When somebody puts it on, they air through the fly, I mean flare through the eye... no no, coming through the rye... no no no, FLY through the air!
"The Batman/Superman Hour: The Nine Lives of Batman/Long John Joker/Rain of Iron/Double Trouble, Double Doom (#1.4)" (1968)
[last lines]
Batgirl: What's that hyena laughing at now?
Joker: Just this, Batgirl: you can't arrest me for looking for phony money I never really found.
Commission James Gordon: No, but the laugh's on you, Joker. I'm locking you up for making a movie without a permit.
Joker: What? You can't do that to me!
[everyone else laughs]
"Batman: Pop Goes the Joker (#2.57)" (1967)
The Joker: [the Joker and his goons storm into Bernie Park's art gallery] Ahh! This is an outrage! An outrage against art!
"Birds of Prey: Premiere (#1.1)" (2002)
[after shooting Barbara at her front door]
The Joker: Knock knock. Who's there? Batgirl... past tense!
[laughs]
"Batman: The Brave and the Bold: Emperor Joker! (#2.18)" (2010)
The Joker: [remarking on the death of Batman] He's... he's actually gone!, lets take a moment to reflect on the passing of a man who was more than just another do gooder in tights, he was the best nemesis a sociopath could ask for... okay lets do it again!
"Batman: Make 'Em Laugh (#3.7)" (1994)
Batman: You've hit a new low, Joker. Only you would ruin three lives for a silly piece of tin.
The Joker: You're dumber than you look, Bats. It's not the trophy that matters, it's the title! I am the greatest clown this dismal burg has ever seen! Where would the good folk of Gotham be without my pranks and antics?
Batman: Let's find out!
"The Joker Blogs: Artistic Merit (#1.7)" (2009)
The Joker: Art is all about getting an emotional response. Take the Mona-Lisa for example: People travel from all over the world to visit the Louvre just to see her. Some people get all excited and point, some people stop and scrutinize every detail and some wackos evens start crying. You know, if you really won't to work an audience, imagine if some guy took it of the wall, cut the face off, poked holes in the eyes, tied a string around it and wore is as a mask around Paris then you would get everyone excited and pointing, snapping pictures and everyone crying. Much better response than just sticking it on a wall somewhere. How boring. Besides, it's funny, most people ware masks all the time. Some people hide, art frees people. After all you can't spell an artist, without anarchist.
"Justice League: Injustice for All (#1.18)" (2002)
Joker: But seriously, Lex, you need me.
Lex Luthor: Like I need a skin-rash.
Joker: Maybe, but I know something you don't know.
[he pats Luthor on the shoulder - then holds up a bat-shaped homing device]
Joker: I know how the Bat thinks.
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1 (2012) (V)
[last lines]
Joker: Buh-buh... Ba-Batman... Darling!
"Batman: The Joker's Flying Saucer (#3.24)" (1968)
Joker: I've dazzled many a lady, Batgirl, but this is the first time I put one completely in orbit. Well you shall have company soon. Yes, we will take off immediately after you do and we will wave to you occasionally as we pass you circling the earth.
[laughs maniacally]
Joker: Of course you will keep going forever...
"The New Batman Adventures: Holiday Knights (#1.1)" (1997)
The Joker: Hi-ho couch potatoes. I'm interrupting the Toilet Bowl to bring you my very special New Year's resolution: ahem, starting tonight at midnight, I, your loving uncle Joker, do solemnly vow not to kill anyone for a whole year. Which means I'm going to have to work extra fast to bump off a few more of you today.
[laughs madly]
"The Joker Blogs: Two Cops, a Clown, & a Police Department (#1.9)" (2009)
The Joker: There are three kinds of people in this world. The optimistic that find the glass half full and the pessimistic that see it as half empty. Then there's the paranoid, and they just think that someone's drinking out of their glass.
Cop: Which one are you?
The Joker: I'm the one that knocks the glass over.
[Joker knocks over glass of water on the desk and giggles as the cops jump back with a shout]
"Batman: He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul (#1.16)" (1966)
Nick: [about Susie] Dead.
The Joker: Are you sure?
Nick: Yeah, I just saw them loading her onto the meat wagon from the city morgue. The Boy Wonder was bawling his head off.
